Shi Hwee

Saturday, December 08, 2007

hopeless

i am hopeless....i actually keep forgetting to get feedback from sister....this is already e end of 4th wk...i still havent ask her yet!!!!...arhx!!!!!!!!!!!!...what's wrong with me???...keep forgetting things....next wk monday is a must must must to meet her......pls let me remember this important info...haix....thoroughly hopeless me...i keep remembering unimportant things...and forget crucial things...actually supposed to meet her wk 3 de lor (but impossible due to training leave and off day all tt)...then wk 4...i actually keep forgetting...even though i see her almost everyday.....ok..tt's it....i must REMEMBER...monday definitely must find her...pls shoot me to death if i didnt....or i will hang myself le.... :(:(:(:(:(

ok..i am getting depressed all over again...i actually asked my mum...it will be so good if time can reverse back to 3 yrs ago....and i will be awfully sure tt i will not put nursing in anyone of my choice...haix...c how time and reality can change a person..from nursing as my beloved 1st choice to now...i rather not choose it at all...haix...i dunno lehx...i jux feel so wierd in e ward...like alien like tt...haix...maybe if i am more communicative...then this will not happen...but how...tt's me ma....i really seldom talk de wa...especially to ppl whom i dunno tt well...how u expect me to change over a night and be friendly, sociable and outgoing to everyone i see?????????....i really dunno how to accomplish tt lor..how????...maybe to them i am a too proud person or unsociable and cold person tt's why i dun talk???...i hope not...

next wk is already wk 5 le...tt leave like 8 more wks to go...and i am still blur.....super blur.......e stress thing is really getting onto me...and my induction checklist like not even 1/4 filled up...and i am still unsure of many things...many procedures...haix...i really wonder how am i gg to get through all this....perhaps they should jux fail me now ba...then like me extend this stupid placement so tt i can learn at a slower pace...

sorry for above depressing words...but i really cant seem to hold a true smile in my face now....everyday thinking bout ward stuff makes me feel unsure and sad...and of cos stress...maybe i am seriously not suitable for this job ba...haix...well...i should stop commenting now...lets see how e sister feedback bout me ba...but i dun expect a good feedback la...i tink i will need like 2 months to adapt in this environment...(jux like in e past at isetan...i took bout 2 months to really talk and know e staff and work there)...

aniwae...today took e whole cubicle of 6 patients (ermm..or should i say 5...cos one empty bed)...ok...i managed to finish e report...but changes were mostly done by e sn cos she is rushing off early...but e bad part is medication serving ba...haha...i noe i am too slow le la...getting on e nerves of e sn le...but how...cant expect me to be as fast as her now ma...i am so unsure of e meds tt i need to check e dosage like thrice b4 i can confidently dispense it...hmm...this maybe a prob to her ba...cos i am slow and taking up her time...but i seriously think it is necessary...for e safety of e pt...since i am still unfamiliar with e meds...and e worst part is when giving e iv frusemide...lolx...i was spending like 5mins ++ to flush e iv line...then connecting e burette to e patient...then she say i am too slow oso...should complete within 3 mins...haix...if i can do everything so fast...i need not be a prcp student anymore ba...dotx...

aniwae today also assist e dr in femoral line insertion...phew...i was a bit scared...cos i am not sure of what to do...but luckily she is very kind to guide me along...and words of encouragement from her really makes me feel much better...like yup tt's right...u r doing well...etc....haix...actually small words like this really makes me feel more certain and relax....and more comfortable...but is kind of contradicting tt these words dun come from nurses who guide me...but from a dr who is not in charge of me at all...

really hope next mon will be better...luckily is afternoon shift..not muh changes le ba...monday mornings are e worst...with plenty of changes and procedures...hope by afternoon will be ok...hope i am with my preceptor...though i oso scared to ask her sometimes..actually she doesnt scold..she is very nice...but i jux feel scared when working with her...especially when tt are still plenty of stuff which i dunno...this attachment is really draining me...i dun care if i pass or fail for now le...i jux hope i will feel more comfortable during work...i jux hope any feelings of uneasiness can go away...

haix...aniwae...tmr is performance at esplanade...again i am unsure of this performance...cos i miss many practices...and even if i make it to practice...my mind will somehow drift away from e music to my work...i hope tmr i can focus more...i wan to enjoy e performance like previous...not body here mind elsewhere...focus focus...tmr will be a 'no thinking of prcp' day...then after this performance...i will then put my attention 100% to prcp...yup...this will be my objective tmr...

ok..last sentence..to remind myself...shihwee....REMEMBER TO GO FIND SISTER ON MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (hope she is not angry or wad...lol)

21:37


0 comments