Friday, August 31, 2012
改變 － 玫瑰色的你
張懸 － 告白 http://pnn.pts.org.tw/main/?p=46674
無意間看到了這篇專訪，感觸很深。
或許，我和她所關心的事情不同，真的，我們在想的事情不同，但是，那棵想改變什麼，想影響什麼的心是一致的。
當然，我不可能把自己跟她混為一談。我沒有那麼偉大，想的事情沒有那麼廣闊，關心的課題也沒有那麼社會化。我並沒有晉升到一個想要改變社會什麼的境界，因為我知道自己現在還沒有能力這麼做。不過，我認為自己在接近當中，至少那是我的一個目標。
說真的，我並沒有很熟悉張懸的歌，是無意間在臉書上才接觸到她的歌的。第一次聽玫瑰色的你，沒什麼感覺，最多也是覺得那是一首好聽的創作。聽了第二次，第三次，漸漸留意到歌詞。其中有玫瑰色眼鏡，一時好奇便開始搜索它的意思。一種過於樂觀的看法。然後看了音樂錄影帶，人手上握的遙控器。多麼可怕。
對於歌曲的看法，就不多解釋了，因為那很主觀，每個人的看法都不同。
回到那篇採訪，裡面所說的一些事件，我並不熟悉，畢竟台灣和新加坡還是有點距離，所以相關的社會問題，也不討論了。讓我感觸很深的是在訪問中不斷提到的改變。改變，真的很難。
回想到三年前當我決定放棄安穩的工作與薪資去追求一個不怎麼明確的未來。為什麼，我真回答不出來，只是覺得我應該要這麼做。決定修大眾傳播系，我連至今還是會懷疑這個決定是否正確。即使現在我還不能很大聲的說，我選對了，不過，我有覺得自己正慢慢地靠近我真正想走的路。至少在看了這篇訪問後，我真的有那麼覺得。
要踏出改變的第一步，並不容易。我覺得現在的我們，與其想著怎麼改變這個腐敗的社會，不如先想想怎麼改變自己。想要正面的影響他人，改變風氣，最基本的應該還是從自己本身下手。或許，你會覺得我的這些話很無聊，現在講的是社會大眾的重要課題，提自己幹嘛？不過社會的根本，就是個人不是嗎？
我想要說的其實跟那篇專訪沒有直接的關係，就只是覺得改變這個詞對我來說真的意義重大，因為我就是有經歷過重大改變的人啊。
常常會聽到身邊的人抱怨，我很不喜歡這樣做、我覺得這個工作不適合我、這不是我想要的等等等。然後呢？所以呢？結果呢？不順心如意的事是無所不在的，人生就是這樣。不過在抱怨以及發完牢騷後，你想要得到的是什麼呢？我的安慰？他的安慰？體諒？認同？就算通通都讓你得到了，又怎樣呢？問題的根本依然存在，事情依然沒有解決，過了不久，你同樣的還是會向其他人抱怨同樣的事情。一切都沒變，這只是一個惡性循環，而一直聽你抱怨的人只會越來越不諒解你。當你把這些抱怨當作生命中必要的，當你認為自己注定要過這樣的日子（我的命就是這樣、我都這把年級了還能改變什麼、我什麼都不會就只會這個還能怎麼辦），你已經容許自己接受這些不合理的一切。你抱怨的，是你自己的選擇，你能責怪的，也只有自己，因為控制你生命的遙控器，從來都只有在你自己的手裡。
我要過的不是什麼非凡的人生，想做的，也不是什麼驚天地泣鬼神的事情。要做一個對社會有所貢獻的人，並不是要你去搞出一個轟動世界的大革命，也不是要你捨身救濟當救世主。社會由人組成，要對社會有貢獻，最起碼要先做一個對的起自己的人。先讓自己活得快樂，活得積極，才能想怎樣幫助別人不是嗎？如果不能說服自己人生是有意義的，生活是美好的，你要以什麼姿態去影響他人？
改變自己，應該是許多更大作為的第一步。當然，如果你已經夠好了，就無需談什麼改變。我想要說的是，與其只抱怨自己生活多麼糟，不如想想如何改變？改變從來就不容易，因為未知的將來比痛苦的現狀更恐怖。而在追求迷惘的未來時，不安、恐懼的感覺是會接種而來的（看我之前文章就會知道我依然還處在迷惘中）。不過，至少你踏出了那一步了。至少你勇敢地改變什麼了，而不是光想。最起碼當一切還是失敗時，你可以問心無愧地對自己說，至少我嘗試了。
17:29
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Thursday, August 16, 2012
Change of Events
I realised that every depressing post I made, will be followed by a more positive one, which is quite a good news I supposed. Most problems, that I thought were major problems or most things and incidents which I felt depressed or worried about, will ultimately end up well. My mood sorta fluctuates a lot, that I often also queried myself as being bipolar, more depression prone perhaps?
Nonetheless, yup, it's a good news post today. Timetable is more or less settled. 3day week, yeah! 6 modules, contemplating to do only 5, but shall see how next week again after attending the 2nd class. 3day week is a relief, and a joy of course. Though tuesday is a hard day, from 9am to 5pm without break. Yes, without even a 30min rest or what. I hope I survive through that for the rest of the sem. Translation this sem seems more difficult, since it is dealing with history, and there is a personal report of 3000-5000 words as well. 3000 words in chinese sounds really tough. Makes me hesitate about taking publication design, if I drop it, I will have a shorter tues, as well as no 2 exams in one day. Hmmm, see how see how. Project grp for one module is settled, I am glad. Radio practicum sounds exciting after attending the first lecture. Can play all the chinese songs I want. Look forward to the first air show!
Anyway, I would have 4 rest days a week, which makes me really want to go find a job. But my mum not that keen on it, maybe I shouldn't as well, since workload is really really a lot heavier. Lots of readings, and I got 2 history modules. Looking forward to go exchange next yr, hopefully. Still waiting for the acceptance letter, it's really a long wait. Just hope everything goes well, then I will be flying to TW happily.
Tmr, I will spend the time doing my assignment, printing out most notes and do all the required readings for next week. Busy first week, but it's ok, I know everything will pass off in an instance. Hang on. And I hope to maintain my smile. Haha.
22:13
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Tuesday, August 14, 2012
2nd day of 2nd yr
Not a very nice week to start, ok rather only 2 days had passed and I am really not liking it anymore, at least for now. Firstly, the courses that I've planned to take turn out to be quite different from what I've expected it to be, and thus I need to endure the whole series of add-drop. Next, it really seems that I am all alone in this course. Haix, sad to say but I really find it so hard to mingle with others. Groups are already all formed, and I am perhaps unwilling to barge in just like that. After 20+ years of living, it is sad to say that I really do not know how to make friends with others, or even how to talk to others who I do not know well. I do not know since when this begins, or maybe I am just like that from young. I mean, I am really ok with being alone in school or going to classes alone. I am really fine with that. After all I am there to learn, and I strongly believe that making friends or what come quite naturally in a sense. But today, I am really terribly sad. Supposed to form a group for a core module, and because it is a big class, as in the class is the whole lecture hall, I finally realised that I did not have anyone to form a group with. I have no one to approach, as everyone is already in groups, so I could only look around in FB or whatsoever to try to source for a group. To no avail as of now. Well, I guess so too anyway, since I really do not know anyone. I really feel sad to walk to such stage that I have absolutely no one around me. No one to blame, except me myself of course. I am the one who refuses to talk more with all other people anyway. So this is really nothing surprising. Depressed and feeling pathetic now, and again, I have no one to talk to except but to grumble here. 自怨自艾, ya that's the correct phrase to use. So for now, I am really lost on what to do now. Shit, I really hate myself sometimes.
18:43
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Sunday, August 12, 2012
Yr 2
Gosh, school is starting tmr. So fast, and I've yet to enjoy myself fully. Having nightmares last few nights about starting school again. Contradicting me as always. Sometimes, it is really scary to think in this way that, the things that you've and used to hold on to so tightly may not be the right thing, or rather you are doubting yourself on the things that you used to strongly believe in. Things change, and I change, rather quickly as well. I can't seem to find a balance point, I can't seem to find a 支撐點, to allow me to continue going on confidently.
Really apprehensive about everything now. Times like this, I just wish to hide in my room forever, and just like time pass. Ya, can't be done though.
9am lesson tmr, gotta catch some sleep now, although I know I can't. Too many things troubling me, I need a clear mind to sleep.
23:58
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Thursday, August 02, 2012
It's HOLIDAYS!
Finally, my holidays arrived. After one year of mugging at uni, and 3months of internship, I finally get 13 days of rest before the next hectic yr of uni starts again!!! Hurray, how great is it ah? I wish I can just slack at home for the holiday of 3 months, but I can't. I am such a spendthrift, and I need to work to get the money to spend. Hopefully, when my timetable got finalized after school starts, I can find some part-time job as well to save up more money. Who says money isn't everything? With money, I can do a lot more things. Lol.
My job ended in a quite hectic manner, again. Yes, I used again as those who worked with me will know how suay I can get when it comes to work. For work outside healthcare, I guess it was quite alright to be hectic and dramatic. Because, affected person is only me. So, I guess this is really a plus and a good reason why I should not remain in healthcare profession. Well, I am not exaggerating, but with the experience of working in hospital, luck and some superstition really play quite a big role. Believe it or not.
Making use of my pathetic 13 days of rest to meet up with friends. Ate korean BBQ 2 days straight, and yes, I feel heaty and fat now. A lot of things in mind to do, but my rest time is really too little. Maybe I should just forgo any plans, and just concentrate in sleeping. Quite skeptical about school restarting, haix, a brand new round of 'socializing' and mugging. Plus, the new add-drop thinggi is quite worrying. I hope I do get some other electives. I don't want to do all comms modules in a sem. Maybe I should also join another CCA or what. But I still do hope to get a 4day week or what, so that I will have time to work somewhere. Haha.
Year end concert at Kaohsiung is so tempting. IF, IF I really can work somewhere during weekends or what, I may consider chionging for it. Haha. Just a thought only, I can feel my parents jumping mad. Haix, I think I should just earn more money, and save up my next yr's exchange. This is the right thing to do, this is the right way to behave. BUT, human tends to go the wrong way right? Haix, I am so easily influenced and get carried away. Well, different people have different perks in life so don't judge me. Haix, this is really some moments that I felt I should just continue working and not go to school.
Work=got money=freedom=can do whatever I like=happy+++
Study=no money=no freedom= cannot do whatever I like=unhappy +++
Shit, this equation sucks!!!!!!
02:30
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