Shi Hwee

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

NTU communication studies

Got a shock of my life today when I opened the mailbox at about 9pm. Saw the NTU letter and I was delighted already. Cos the size of the envelope and the date that it is delivered, must be a admission notification letter. Opened up and read it, got the second shock of my life, it shows communication studies!!!!!

I was really expecting to see biological science le. Reason being, communication studies usually need interview/written test, esp. I am from a completely irrelevant diploma, next my gpa is lower than the indicative GPA lower 10percentile, and thirdly, this is the third time I applied for this course already and I was unsuccessful the prev 2times.

How can it be???

WHy???

I was actually a bit disappointed the previous post as I did not receive any interview calls or what. Remembered last time that happened in march. So I was really prepared to get into bio science only, (since mine is a relevant diploma and my gpa is higher than what is indicated). In e end??? I got really what I hoped for!!! It is too good a dream to be real. I am still in 'denial' stage. EVerything seems so unreal. LOL. I am not exaggerating. I am really very very happy!

But being the fickled minded me, I am starting to think of : Actually Ive prepared myself to accept bio science course le. Ive tot of what to do in this science industry in e future le. So yup, I am so unprepared now to accept this!

SO now, tentative plan is to accept this choice from NTU! And wait and see what I have from NUS. If they really give me life science, which is my first choice, I will take tt I supposed. But this time, I think it is highly impossible. Cos, mine is considered a irrelevant course in NUS, disregarding u have merit diploma or not. And GPA issue as well. Anyway, I will start adjusting my mindset from now onwards back to mass communication le.

SO weird really!!! I am too happy to sleep. JOy in my world.

Yay!!! Am I dreaming or not???!!!

23:53


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Friday, March 25, 2011

brighten up

The most torturous period for our family is over, although it is not thoroughly over yet, but at least we can all have good night sleep and of cos, me and my mum can finally start being excited about our korea trip. Had been talking about our korea trip since last year, and finally, the time has arrived. Haha. It is just next week!! So happy, although it will be a tiring week next week since I am working mon to sat, but the thought of holiday is refreshing. Flying at 0055 if there is no further changes to the flight, on saturday night or rather sunday. Working on saturday and flying on tt night, sounds exciting lo. But also means no time to rest, no time to pack. And until now havent even change money yet, bought a jacket le hope it will be warm enough. But secretly I hoped it will be colder at korea too, cos singapore is too hot. Yearning for a cold cold weather. Haha.

Watching the show 生日快乐 on channel 8, long time since I watched local shows. Find it quite nice and funny, haha, afterall I think is because most actors are from my era. LOL. Watched their shows growing up.

Still waiting admission results from uni. A bit disheartened actually, cos I have low confidence again in gaining admission. What if I get the course I dun really want (but still chose in e first place?), what if I dun get admitted at all?? So many question marks in my head. Haix, endless worries ongoing in life.

ANyway, main thing here is going korea next week! Hehe. Still very excited regarding that. Meanwhile, nothing much to update le la. Just wanted to spam something here since there is minimal posts this few weeks. I think I am too tired at work.

That's all. Back to my show at channel 8. And later, 犀利人妻live at pptv.

WOnderful night. But got work tmr at 7am :(

No, I am supposed to be :)

21:13


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Sunday, March 13, 2011

possibilities in life

Failed to upload photos to blogger as usual. Never had this problem before, ok that's like 1year before, but now, uploading is a major problem cos it is always the 404 bad request thing or web error. So a lot of my photos just ended up in facebook, difficult to upload to facebook also, so mostly just lie nicely in my hard drive.

So my trip to orchard post, had to be postpones indefinitely, until I find some reliable measures to upload photos, and of cos, until I have enough time to do all this.

The past week had been a traumatic week, a lot of things happened, and what happened had made me think a lot. Realised that a lot of things may not go exactly to what is planned after all, and a lot of things may just change suddenly without you realising it. I am emo, not because I am just seeking attention or have nothing to do but just to post some stupid status in FB. I am emo of cos for a reason, but I shall not tell anyone else regarding this matter anymore. I figured I have gotten enough advice for now, and surprisingly those who know my prob are my colleagues (although they only know partly) and wes. Well, it was random that me and wes just decided to exchange our secrets and talk about them. Everyone indeed has their own problems and are affected by them differently. We are not in any position to try to change their thinking and what we can do is only to provide advice. Of course, whether to listen to them or not, its your own choice. I think I have sorta come across to what had happened, and hence I am not feeling as down as last week anymore. At least I will not have any emo things happening on FB or on my face anymore until things are certain.

Had a talk with candy yesterday as well. Although I did not tell her why I am emo, lol, I am not being mysterious, just that I feel that there is no need to let anyone else know anymore since I've already gotten the assurance I need from those who know, but I sorta say that there is this possibility that I may not be able to continue studies as planned. Of course, this is what I've thought myself, and I have my own reasons for thinking this way. I should have think this way long ago and not assumed that everything will be as smooth sailing as planned. Anything may happen in this unpredictable world now, and I ought to have some alternative plans. Meanwhile I am 80% set to study, I still have to think about this 20% of what if I am unable to do so. I hoped not of cos, cos if that happens that means something bad really happened and I really dunno what will I become. First time I really think deeply of this issue, and it scares me to think about it. People always say there will be downs in your life no matter what, u just need to be brave and stand up. But I knew deeply inside if I really have this down in my life, I will definitely not be able to stand up anymore. In e past I am avoiding to think of such issue, but now when reality forces you to face it, you really have no choice but to face it.

Anyway, if I really cannot study this time round, I guess I will really just drop everything here and go away for a year or two. This sounds crazy, but it is not impossible. When things get too stagnant here, or the downs are really too much for u to bear here, I figured the best way is to step out to get some fresh air. To re arrange your feelings, and to explore other possibilites of your life. But this is really last last last choice I will have, so hopefully this will not happen. At least not in such situation that I will be forced to leave everything here and just go. If just go away for a year to play, explore, then that's different.

ANyway, I know, people will feel weird reading up till here because again, I did not mention any main point. No description of what happen. Contradicting personality I have. Even with a blog which is supposed to be a diary to keep track of what happens, and of cos to write what happen, I am still unable to write everything down here. I guess it is still better to have something kept secret, not top secret but at least not for everyone to know.

Well, I am not feeling down or what anymore. Just carrying on with my daily life as usual, work and still play. Everything needs to wait till the day before I can decide my next step. Meanwhile, everything is still tentative, be it the korea trip, or my studies, or even my future plans. I guess this is a good chance to explore the different possibilities in my life as well.

Oh, I feel real depressed over what happened in Japan. SUddenly remembered the times I was there, when everything is so nice and peaceful. Natural disasters are scary, and it is hard no to treat them as a revenge back to humans, for damaging the environment. With all these disasters happening more and more frequently, it is also hard not to think that the world may really be ending soon. I guess we are really lucky to live here in singapore, protected, and worry free regarding disasters. I wonder what will happen to us, if one day an earthquake or similar events happened here. Disregarding the high technology we have here, I supposed we will still not be able to survive, as there will not be any remote controls for us to press for the earthquake to stop.

20:54


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Saturday, March 05, 2011

trip to orchard (part A)

Had this random idea to walk to somewhere last week. So decided to carry out this plan today. Had a good night sleep of 12hours. So woke up at 9plus to start packing my back pack. Carried food, sweets, umbrella etc. In e end, the only items I used are towel, water, camera and my iphone. Lol, if I knew earlier don't need to carry so many things. Oh ya, the cap comes in handy as well. Haha.

My red shoes. Yeah. Loved it.
Time is 1010, setting off. Should have set off earlier de. Cos, the weather is really hot and sunny by this hour.
Walking out of my house, still haven't tie my hair yet. Cos haven't experience the hot sun outside yet. I think after the first bus stop I wore my cap le. Lol. It is really hot and sunny.
Had this ultra cool app in iphone. Can track the distance I walked, speed, time taken, and GPS system which can show where I am, in case I get lost la. But of cos I never get lost, haha, same old route to orchard how can get lost. And I follow the bus track strictly, hard to get lost also.
Beginning of the journey. Sunny weather huh.
Is this familar? LOL. Well for people who lived at my area should know la. Cos this turn will lead to bt timah area. But I never walk this route, walked 852 route instead. Cos this got too many turns.
Used to be a fire station. Dunno since when it changed. Had been seeing this place during poly days since I took 852 everyday to school.

See the blue sky. Nice weather huh. Had been a bit worried cos prev 2days have been raining. But today is like so hot lo. Haha, kept emphasizing it is hot. Cos I am sun burnt!!!! Ok, update until here for now. Cos, not I am lazy, is I can't seem to add on any photos for now. So shall continue again when I am able to.

17:04


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Thursday, March 03, 2011

Reflection

Re-read my previous post last night, dun need to wait for months or years, I think my anger is gone for now. What remains is maybe a tint of sadness? Realized that the main point in my entry is all about feelings, not about the matter or event that happened which I did not specify what is it afterall. True, what makes one angry is rarely the things that happen, but rather the people associated with it. We are usually not angry with the matter itself, but the attitude of the people who handle it.

Anyway, enough of anger and the depressed mode, shall throw them all to the back of my mind. Unable to forget, but will not keep it inside heart to torture myself.

Everyday is still a good day. Everyday is still a happy day:)

Think positively, always!

07:51


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Wednesday, March 02, 2011

假装

如果这是无法说出来的秘密
那就把它收藏好直到心跳暂停
记得快乐 是那天给我的勇气
或许已经沉沦那独特的默契

开始有点害怕期待
因为希望它会和现实相反
月亮给星星的力量
分不清 哪种才是真实的模样

听不见 温暖距离
看不见 真的声音
想努力痊癒 却是不理想的天气
靠近了乌云 并不是留在原地
失去了力气 只剩下逃避

假装 没什么在意
假装 我没有关系
假装 下一个早晨我就会安静
那些情绪太不安定
也不想破坏距离
只能戴着面具 远远的听

远远的听 ..

刚看完了《第二回合我爱你》，好喜欢它的插曲，星星的力量。可能是因为歌词很贴切。也好喜欢这部戏（不止因为男主角的关系啦），可能是因为剧情太写实了。喜欢此剧的拍法，感觉有点像一个人的回忆录，回想着生活所发生的事情，但其实生命却依然进行着。其实，写下自己的生活的人也是如此啊，边回想着过去的点点滴滴记录下来，也同时在遗憾着所发生的一切。因为不能改变过去，所以只好在脑里偷偷回想和反省，其实应该怎样做才对一些。男主角发生了车祸昏迷，但却不知道，还以为自己真的受到上天的宠爱从而不断地ctrl+z 自己的人生，把自己觉得遗憾的事情都一一修改了。当然到了最后，他终于发现自己其实在生死边缘的真相，但很庆幸的是，他醒过来了，并且也成功改变了他和妻子即将离婚的命运。很喜欢剧里最后的一句话，能改变人生的幸运日，其实就是‘今天’。这个说法其实很对，与其想着以前应该如何或以后应该如何过才是最好的，不如想想当下。今天，其实就是影响我们最深的那一天嘛。只要活好今天，就不会轻易有遗憾，当然也不会有之后的‘早知道’了。

其实这是突然的有感而发，终于看完了这部戏，就趁还很有feel的时候赶快发表一些看法。好久没有打华文字了，居然用了将近半小时打了这一小段。

真正想说的并不是以上那段。接下来，是我今天的感受。当下的感受尤其最强烈，特别是伤心或生气。好久没有那么生气一个人了。真的好久。或许一个星期或一个月后，我的气就会完全消失了，或许以后我读回这一篇会觉得自己既幼稚又小气，不过还是写下来吧。

我发现我自己很大的一个毛病是，不轻易把自己内心真正的感受说出来。即使再不爽，我还是会默默忍耐，不对当事人发飙，也不会对其他人埋怨。不过现在的我，正学着如何真诚的向朋友倾诉。而所得到的安慰和谅解，虽然不会让我马上忘记愤怒或忧愁，但至少心里比较舒服。

其实写到这里，虽然并没有写到究竟发生了什么事，但气也消了一大半了。我并不想把事发经过都写出来，只是想写一些感受罢了。因为我知道就算没有把事情写出来，10年20年后，我依然会记得这整件事情，因为我记忆力太好了，而且人总是会记得不快乐的事情多一些。所以，就算我的气消了，我和那个朋友，也不会回到以前那样，因为芥蒂已经存在了，而我知道那不会消失。

可笑的是，我还是没向她表示我真正的感受，或许当时我真的不想再回应什么。好悲哀，因为如果真的还把她当朋友的话，我应该会愤怒的回她简讯，要求解释，而不是简单的ok而已。或许，我心里早已知道我没有办法把她当成朋友了。同事始终是同事，再好的同事也很难变成朋友。同事会要好，因为被迫处在一起，同样的有一起讨厌的上司，讨厌的工作，相处久了，自然会要好。除非你想把自己孤立起来，除非你想永远一个人吃饭，上下班每人问候。但一旦离开了工作环境，没有了共同的敌人，没有在同一个恶劣环境工作，没有了所有所有的共同点，原本牵系着大家的关联，就会消失。自然的，关系会慢慢疏远，而你原以为是朋友的那些旧同事，只不过是一个熟悉的路人甲罢了。

其他环境认识的人，例如同班，同校，甚至路旁，就不同了。因为你有选择权。你可以选择不跟某一组同学合作，不跟他们接触，不跟他们作朋友。但不怕，班上那么多同学，学校那么多同学，总会有一个是跟你志同道合的，总会有一个是你想去认识的，而不是勉强处在一起而认识而习惯。不喜欢那个朋友，就远离好了，反正有不是一起工作，不必怕尴尬，也不是常常见面或在同一个空间，不必难为情。

朋友，应该要互相扶持，必须坦诚相见。不过，最重要的是，要为对方着想。基本的礼貌，要为邻居着想，要为路人着想，可是面对朋友时，这些基本都到哪了。或许我真的是小气，或许我斤斤计较，可是，我实在没办法接受如此待遇。人与人之间，能从认识到了解到朋友，真的不容易。世上那么多人，却遇见了你，这是可遇不可求的缘分啊。就好像我说的，你会为邻居着想，夜深了说话声量不能太大以防影响他们，你会为不认识的人着想，让路，让座。但是你为了朋友，做了什么了？不是要求你请他吃大餐，不是要求你在他落难时借给她一大笔钱，也不是要求你为他两肋插刀，只是简单的为他着想，别让做让他伤心/生气地事，别说令她难堪的话，即使不小心犯了，简单真诚的道歉也可以。可是，这些对于我们来说，只是奢求。

或许我的要求真的太高了，或许我一直认为既然我为你付出替你着想，你也应该如此回应。或许我对这些都抱有太大的希望。我真的忘了，付出并不等于回报啊！不过，今天，我总算又清醒了，所以我不会再对他们抱有任何奢望，不会在把他们放在心里。所以，我的气也消了，心也不痛了，因为，她，真的不算什么了。

当然，值得珍惜的朋友，我都知道他们是谁，也会把他们深深的放在心里，并用我认为对的方式，对待他们。谢谢他们的存在，让我知道我不孤单。朋友不需要多，只要有几个真正懂你为你着想的就够了。说到这里，已经有好几个熟面孔浮现在我脑海了。

一个小时过了，终于，快打完这篇文了。心情已恢复愉快，这里真是很好的抒发管道。

期待星期六的来临，我要展开人生中第一个疯狂之‘旅’。希望能成功，把别人眼中的不可能变可能，疯狂变正常。在此就不先透漏，到时再更新吧。

22:58


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Prologue

Mixed feelings now. Intended to update an entry now but updating in Chinese on an iPhone is irritating. Update tonight instead.

12:56


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