Monday, December 28, 2009

whole new year in 4days

01:35

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

motivation

Well...just suddenly had this thought that i should post more entries...actually...it is great to look back to past entries...to recall on what i went through...because...our small small brain cannot contain all that u want to remember...sad to say...but some things are just forgotten...or rather out of your mind sometimes...so this blog is actually a good thing...so that i can remember some things when i read what i have written...or even laugh at myself for some things i have written...

Coming to year end soon...i am very looking forward to it...but 2009 is a good year still...i have done plenty of things this year...and there are plenty of things for me to be happy about...but still..i hope 2010 can advance in faster...i strongly believe a new year means a new start?..

somehow..i feel i am getting more and more depressed...more and more upset at work...got irritated and frustrated more easily..or even feels very sad and teary more frequently as soon as i talk bout work...well...i dun think anyone can understand such feeling of mine...no one can honestly..because they are just simply no me...and they dun understand how i feel...they can try to understand...but they never will...as much as how i adjust and adapt to accomodate this work...i dun think i can hang on it any more longer...i am serious when i say this...but well..of course i must have a good backup plan first...things get a bit complicated when u are getting older...no longer about like/dislike...not as simple that i can just leave whenever i want...too many things to think...too many things to take care of...but well...let's wait for next yr still...i guess i will still continue to work on until i am 2yrs old there...

ok...this is not about depressing issues la...aniway...i am still high in mood for kaohsiung concert...haha...i think i am a bit crazy le...haha...well..no one understands this type of feeling either...never mind..i will just be happy on my own...live in my own world of happiness..haha...cant wait to play mayday's monopoly game when i am more free...i think it will be very fun...at least got my sis to play with me...haha...well..i dun think my colleauges or other friends will appreciate that...unless they are mayday's fans as well...maybe in their minds i am just still childish to go after idols and they are already matured and hence will not be crazy alongside with me...but i am not childish...i may even be more mature than what they think or what they are...but i just dun expressed all that out...why rush the way to be old and mature??...why cant we just remain young at heart and enjoy while we still can...i dun think gg to concerts etc is a crazy act...there is just simply more than that..perhaps gg concerts in their minds is just about looking at handsome guys singing on stage...but that is not the case for me...(or at least for mayday's concerts)..there is just more to it than they think...but i shall not go on writing on this...because...they dun understand and they will never understand...

here i am listening to dna concert live cd and typing this entry...i have in mind to type a happy entry...but in e end i still cant..the more continue on the more i feel there is actually nothing happy things in my life to share about..things i considered happy to me is nothing in e eyes of others..things i considered sad in my life is again nothing as compared to their sad things...i am just so 微不足道 ba...but nope i am not trying to seek any attention here..i never ever wanted to be e centre of attention/attraction or whatsoever...i just want to be a humble me hiding in e back or so..i am contented to be just like that...i am contented just to do the things i like or i want...and i really hope no one will judge the way i do or think...but i know this is highly impossible...

wah...u spend so much just to go taiwan for concert ah??...wa...i think u can just go live in taiwan la...whatever they say...i just like to go there cannot mehx...reason why????...cos at there...there is no you all!!!...ok ...happy...

alright whatever...i am not mad or anything la...maybe ppl around me are too mature and serious to understand me...lol...imo..concerts are not just concerts...travelling is not just travelling..every little thing holds different meaning to different persons...i will not judge others in this manner...so who are they to judge me??...even my mum who went concert with me feels it is a well spent money...and that is a excellent concert...so who are they to judge if they had not witness it at all...of course...from now onwards i will also stop talking about concert in front of this outsiders...cos they dunno and dun understand...and talking more about this to them will just makes me angrier ba...haix...ok..i should stop this...understands...not everyone is interested in concerts like i do...

anyway...i am just continuously playing live cd in my itunes/itouch...so high...loved the songs arrangement...loves the atmosphere...listening to them makes me think back of the night in kaohsiung...一起存在的空气...不论环境再冷，内心依然很温暖。

goals set for next year: actually havent really think much about it yet...
perhaps go for more concerts..haha...i guess i will still do that..haha...
gg korea is one of my aim...
to return to kaohsiung again..yup...
well..these are goals of play..haha...serious goals of my life...is to get what i really want...leave whatever now...and advance for a new life...yup..this is the main aim of 2010...

leaving is a painful and tough decision...but i supposed...what i really want and look forward to ..is a new life after i leave...置之死地而后生...death card in tarot...well..all this sums up to a conclusion...

whoa...i am getting tired again now...almost slept the whole afternoon today...but still tired...following 3 morning shifts before a rest day...then 4nights...routine shifts..routine life...

21:00

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Sunday, December 13, 2009

jubeat

Had this urge to update my blog...lol...work today is ok..i feel i do nothing at all...sorry to my student jiali...haha...i think i seemed abit lazy + slack...dunno why...maybe because i got not enough sleep yesterday...i was so awake yesterday...especially after blogging tt post...it got me really thinking...so in e end...think until 4-5am like tt...thinking of a lot of things...not unhappy things actually...or rather...i am sorta clear of my thoughts now...and what should i really do next..haha...sometimes...ppl just need quiet times to think of what they are really looking forward to...i guess i have already mapped out a rough plan of my route...suddenly looking forward towards next yr...a new start...a new beginning...

went to clementi with emily after work...reached there about 10pm i think...went straight to arcade to play...haha...only we two will always stay in arcade to play...interesting games they have at clementi arcade...a lot of new and fun games...haha...new version of bishi bashi is cool and a lot more fun...haha...time crisis 2 is our all time fave...main aim is to play jubeat...haha...loved this game...can practise the flexibility of my fingers...actually..i like all sorts of music games...fun...basketball game here are not really nice...the balls are too heavy...one session only both of our hands hurt...dotx...had a filling supper of otah and stingray after tt...haha...unhealthy lifestyle...and we managed to catch last bus home at 0010...cool...can avoid midnight surcharges...haha...

aniwae...tmr off day...dunno will i still be gg out with friends??...but i need to go out...havent shop for christmas exchange gift yet..haix...i want to finish eclipse too...new moon is nice...makes me tempted to know the whole story ending...monday need to reach earlier to finish checklist with sister...havent start reading yet...havent start doing learning package for respi module yet...so a lot of things not done yet...haix...received a pleasing msg just now...we all passed out respi module test...that was a great relief to me...because i did not study...lol...glad tt we passed...haha...

aniwae...next roster is bad...2 cycles of night shifts...so long nvr do nights le...seemed a bit sian...but my off days are good...so i supposed this makes up the negative of nights...aniwae...cannot forgo nights completely..i need more money as well...haix...work ba...next yr then see how...and yes...i got off on my birthday..haha..13,14,15...so nice...i actually forgot to even request in FT..but i still got off...yeah...haha..cos it really sucks to be working on your big day u know..haha...

01:29

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Saturday, December 12, 2009

wonder why

sometimes...i really wonder the value of e word friendship....what is friendship supposed to mean??..what are friends??..who are your friends??...important? essential? truthful? helpful? or are they just friends because they need you sometimes...and you need them sometimes??...if they are really essential in one's life..where are they when u need them?...are they really listening if you really want to talk to them? do they really care about your feelings? do they know how you feel actually??...or they are just there when they need you..when they need a favour from you..why they need someone to listen to them...when they suddenly feel u are there? i am not being negative...i am not being unhappy with anyone...just a sudden thought...friends come and go in our lives...some leave a deep mark...some are just passer-by...but are there really friends that remain and stays? of course...everyone's life is different...everyone has their own circle of friends...or rather many many circles of friends...everyone has their own life to live...those you considered them important to you...may not consider you being important to them...those you always think about them...may not even think of you until once in a blue moon...those you really care and worry about...may not even have you in their thoughts for once...and those that you really want to talk to them..may not even want to listen to you...

i am used to be a listener...no matter with who or at which stage of life...i dun mind being a listener...i loved to listen to my friends' lives...stories...emotions...i may not be a good talker...but i can be an excellent listener...cos i listen with my heart...though sometimes i may seem 'emotionless' but i do understand what others are telling me...i even will try hard to put myself in their shoes...and understand how they feel...i do carry their worries and emotions with me...i do feel sad when i saw others being sad...i do worry when i saw something not right be it in person by msg or by facebook even...but sometimes...i feel i am just being over emotional...not expressing it out...rather inside...they may not need me to understand them afterall..they may not need me to worry for them after all...or rather...there is nothing for me to worry after all...they come and go...maybe i am emotional type of person...though i dun express out to others...because i never had a chance too...but i always feel emotional...be it really with regards to friends...or just a scene in book..movie...tv..whatever...i will always try to feel what e lead feel...cannot understand...never mind...i dun think anyone will try to understand me...cos i am used to be a listener only...not a speaker...be it where ever i am

i am not complaining...everyone had different roles to play in life...even if anyone now wants me to say out everything in my heart to them...i will not do so...because it is just not me to do so...i am listening always...not the one speaking...sometimes...i may want to be the one speaking...but i guess my range of topics are not very much welcomed by others...so i will just say whatever they wish for me to say...jokes...gossip...whatever...to say different things to different people...to say what ppl like to hear...to predict...to guess...maybe i am a listener for too long...sometimes or rather most of the time..i can predict what others want to hear...i can predict how they are gg to answer...i can guess most of the topics...i can think faster than what ppl do...

anyway...keeping a blog is helpful sometimes...things that i want to ramble..things i want to talk...things i want to share...i can write it all here...it makes me feel alive sometimes...reading back past entries...i find that there are actually many things i kept in mind...things i never told anyone else...all is written here...some are literally spelt out...some are not...but when i read what i write...i can remember all the events...and my true feelings at tt point of time...it is like a mini lock...to the back of my mind...well...people do ask me why am i so close to my mum? as in i am always gg out with her...calling her??..i will usually smile and brush the topic off...if i am those straightforward type of ppl...i will defintely shoot back and say...tt's because you all are not even listening to what i really want to say...it irritates me when ppl ask you regarding your life...things you like..you feelings...your comments...but actually..they are just asking for the sake of asking..why do i say that?..because...when u are answering those questions...when u are halfway through letting your thoughts out...when u are just about to open yourself and share...they have already closed their ears...they are not even concerned about all these?..so why ask in the first place?..

i am glad there are such people called family in this world...really am...cos sometimes i feel that the one and only person who will listen to me is my family...my mum my sis my dad...though i seldom talk to my dad...but from my mum..i know my dad will always ask about me...just this...i feel very heart warming...and my mum...i really think i can tell all things to her...when i am really feeling terrible...i will just cry in front of her...i will not do that in front of anyone else...if i am really happy...i will just keep on rambling about those things..even if i already talked about that for a thousand times...my mum...even my sis will still listen to me...

sometimes..people will say to me that i am too quiet...i wonder back..what is the use of talking so much when no one is expecting a detail answer from you...i mean...conversation takes more than one party...to talk more...depends also on who your partner is...very often...when they ask me something...before i talk 2 sentences about me and my feelings...they already switched topics...maybe because they find what i say is repetitive...maybe they feel my life and story is not exciting at all...maybe they dun really want to know so much about me after all...so in e end...maybe i should just listen only after all

anyway...21 years of living in this world..not too short..not too long...just enough to learn how to survive...just enough to learn how to protect yourself...just enough to learn how to blend into others' worlds...i admit i am always leading a boring life...i admit there is nothing great or interesting about my life stories..i admit i am still being childish to always chase after idols...i admit all that happened in my life is not so important after all...perhaps i will still only continue to be a great listener for the rest of my life...perhaps i will never learn how to be a better speaker...but well...nothing wrong about that...nothing not good about that...after all...people around are already troubled enough...why add on to their worries??..my worries and concerns may actually be nothing in their eyes...also...what i considered happy and great...may not be that superior to others after all...instead of disappointing myself when i dun see the same happiness in others when i talked about my experiences...i rather not say anything and keep the small happiness to myself...

ok...above is just a little little though of mine...nothing to worry...nothing to think about...just a thought...ha

finally watched new moon today...i find the movie great...ha...i know that's not what others said...but i still find it nice...more story telling i know...less action...less thrilling...less exciting...but sometimes such simple things are the ones which formed life...aniwae...i like jacob...he looks cool in the movie...haha...wow...i cant believe i used almost 45mins to type this entry...so exhausted now...

lastly...a song to share...i think it sorta reflects what i really want to say above...again...i doubt anyone will really want to know or want to understand...

00:54

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Friday, December 11, 2009

kaohsiung mayday 55555 concert

Back from my anticipated taiwan trip...this time 2 destinations...taipei and kaohsiung...really love kaohsiung now...still have a lot of places there have not explored yet...even cijin island i haven explore all yet...not forgetting other tourist attractions there...kending...etc...next yr definitely must visit there again...all my colleagues think i am crazy to visit there over and over again...but everytime go there got different feel and experience...somemore so many places haven visit yet...dun care...i must go there again next yr...haha...


Ok...honestly...main purpose of this trip is still to watch mayday's concert...never regret now..initially thinking is such a waste and spendthrift to just go there and watch one concert...somemore the seats i bought online not tt great..but in e end i was wrong...even my mum said it is a very worthwhile concert...close to 4.5 hours...fantastic close to 40++ over songs...fireworks...explosives...racing bikes...fire...water...'snow'...e atmosphere...e experience of 55555 people watching mayday...the spectacular venue...and...also i managed to get a row 9 摇滚核心 seat there...it is definitely money worth spending...i dun think i have seen so many fireworks in my live...even national day also dun have such scene...weather is damn cold...but fire effects is so warming..haha...fireworks shooting above your head...the definite blue sea of mayday fans...this is absolutely not something u will get to see here...


favourite parts of concert...


starting of course is great...a lot of fire effects explosives...and bikes hovering around the stage...


疯狂世界+候鸟，一颗苹果--great music and arrangement...although already heard b4 at spore concert...but i am still very engrossed and amazed


最重要的小事，天使--strings+wind ensemble...first time seeing...but i found it too loud..haha


起来--it is really a great song...dunno why...sounds very inspiring...like suddenly got a path of light ahead of me...dunno how to describe...but this song is really great...


憨人--also with the ensemble...and also video clip showing all their past concerts singing this song...heart wrenching i dunno why...feels like tearing...but never la...cos the mood is simply too high for me..plus all the fireworks appearing here...环行烟火appearing here...cool...really cool...fireworks like no need money


如烟--the lightings is fantastic...especially when ashin stands at the 2nd stage...with white spotlights shooting up to the sky...really high up...i supposed they used high voltage and strong shining lights...feels like ashin is rising up to the sky le...and this coincides with this song...simply marvelous...too bad i never take pictures when e concert start..haha..being a 奉公守法 fan...lol


following is a series of hokkien songs...loved it...many i never heard them sing live before...
心中无别人，ok la，有你的将来，麦来乱，i love you 无望，好不好，志明与春娇，借问众神明，出头天


fave is ok la and 有你的将来...ok la is high...haha...and ashin dance his super old steps used before in concerts long long ago...haha...funny...有你的将来..really 感人..dunno why...i almost thought he is crying when he sings 我爱甲这出力 你只是试看麦 扰乱我原本平静的世界 我爱甲这出力 你甘未歹交待 你的心肝 无人了解...he really looks he is crying lor...no kidding...cos i can see his face clearly from my seat...as well as the super big screen in front of me...but no la...maybe my wrong assumption...i think he is just trying very hard to sing tt feel out...but really 唱进我的心坎里...找不到有你的将来。。。。


麦来乱 is a surprise too...never even have a thought tt he will sing...haha...借问众神明 is rearranged...very cheery song...haha...lalalalalala...hahah...


ending of concert is 0025...almost 4.5 hours...weather is cold..but heart is warm...


now...i can firmly say that my 21st year of living in this world...is really well lived...haha...i have bought 3 branded bags using my money...travelled to japan and taiwanx2...travelled on cruise...watched 4 live mayday concerts...travelling this time round is really a plus to my life...suddenly work seems so smooth sailing when i return...and my mind is still filled with concert scenes...hope this can continue until next year...next year will be a new beginning...with more new things...and i hope life will be still be as exciting as this year...haha...haven year end i am writing year end reflection le...


aniwae...i just want to say...NO regrets spending to just to watch concert...haha...

14:41

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Wednesday, December 02, 2009

last post before heading to taipei

Whoa...these 2 days had been good...i had this feeling that my luck is changing for the good...haha...i think nobody can imagine how suay i am for the past 2weeks...or rather for the month of november...everyday is spent in distress i think...and i cant help but cried once at ward...sometimes i feel my colleagues are mean to say i am a jinx...although i know i am quite unlucky...but it is still very saddening to hear words like tt...though i often laugh it over...but tt does not means i am ok with all those comments...不哭不代表不痛...but forget it..haix...sometimes...such things are like common sense lor...if they feel fun laughing at me then laugh lor..at most i laugh with them...but tt does not mean i am very ok...but i think they dun really understand..afterall they are my colleagues strictly speaking...well..a bit bad to say this...but friends and colleauges...have a difference after all...not say i dun like my colleagues...i love them all too...i love being with them...working/joking around with them...but sometimes when it comes to sensitive issues...or serious issues...the difference will set in...

Anyway...my mum knows i am very upset that i am labelled as a jinx at work...she is upset too i know...whatever la...i dun think i can stay for long either...as i said november is horrible...i cannot count how many bad encounters i had...i cant imagine i can be cool and calm when someone pass away or what...i dun want to be like that...but the more u see..the less u feel...i feel cold blooded sometimes...luckily tt's only when facing work etc...when it comes to familiar faces...i am actually 'glad' in a way that i still feel a pinch in my heart...well..at least this proves i am still alive afterall..boo...i think the best way to return back to the old me..is to leave...well...others may think i am just leaving for the sake of leaving...or i have not think through carefully...but i know very well in my heart what i really want...let them say all the one...tt's what i learn now...but no la..i am not planning to leave now...i cant do that...many reasons...main reason..life is not just about self...major part involves friends and family...if i just leave like that...how bout my family??...i am not from a rich family that i can just stay and home shake leg until i find other things to do...impossible lor...so i will like to stay as long as possible working...until my other option reaches..

well..wierd...everytime i have in mind to blog about one issue..i end up rambling about other things not related to what i really want to say...haha...anyway...now onwards will be rest for me until next mon...short rest of 5 days only..but i know i will enjoy myself de...haha...i am soooo excited about the saturday concert...although i will be sitting far..sobs...but nvr mind...i know i will still enjoy it...and there is an endless list of things to buy and food to try in my mind...lazy to list them all out..haha...nvr mind..shall do what i want to do for these 5 days...haha...throw work out of my mind...haha....

23:07

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Shi Hwee
CS Yr 4 in NTU

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