Thursday, November 25, 2010
voiceless
My sore throat had resolved, my cough is still present but the amount of phlegm is reducing. Cough is such a bothering sickness, affects my daily routine greatly. Unable to eat, talk or work well. Especially in the mornings when cough is the most serious. I think I really coughed too much and too hard, as a result, my voice is still hoarse even there is no sore throat anymore. I don't like to talk with this husky voice, feels strenous whenever I talked. And I am unable to sing now as well, tried to sing along when the songs are playing, only to realise I cannot even reach my normal note. Just hope that my voice can return quickly.
I am still addicted to cherry boom's songs. They all sounds great to me. Especially the first song playing in my blog right now, 蚀月.Dunno why but I really love this song. Whenever I play this song on my ipod, I will feel goosebumps rising. Loved the sentence 伸手就可以 跟着你去.This is such a sweet yet heart wrenching sentence. And I love how the song tells the story, from a scene when the girl cannot find the guy, till finally she meets him and follow him. A song yet a story, beautiful scene.
Missed the guitar lesson tonight, haix, unable to make it because I definitely cannot play properly today. Keeps coughing how to concentrate?? Will miss the following 2 lessons as well due to work until 8pm. Luckily the school is kind enough to let us postpone the lesson. Hopefully I will not forget what I've learnt.
Saturday is already Rene's concert, so fast. Was quite looking forward to it initially, but now, a bit sian-ed already because I am unable to sing along anymore. So I can only quietly listen to the concert. Haix. Mood dampening. Maybe my voice will be back by saturday??? Hopefully.
19:37
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Tuesday, November 23, 2010
eclipse/garden
蝕月
你早已離開 我卻在原地等待
月蝕了一塊 填不到完整的愛
在夜裡聽見你 黑白鍵上的嘆息
在夢裡你不捨 不捨得我哭泣
我在人群裡 盲目搜尋 和你相似的背影
那天穿著皮衣 抽菸的你 消失對街霧裡
月蝕的夜裡 心跳不定 有種莫名的感應
彷彿某個轉角 有你佇立
伸手就可以 跟著你去
你說好會來 我仍在原地等待
月蝕了一塊 湊不回那場意外
在夜裡聽見你 黑白鍵上的嘆息
在夢裡你不捨 不捨得我哭泣
我在人群裡 盲目搜尋 和你相似的背影
那天穿著皮衣 抽菸的你 消失對街霧裡
月蝕的夜裡 心跳不定 有種莫名的感應
彷彿某個轉角 有你佇立
伸手就可以
我在人群裡 盲目搜尋 和你相似的背影
那天穿著皮衣 抽菸的你 消失對街霧裡
月蝕的夜裡 心跳不定 有種莫名的感應
終於對街轉角 有你佇立
伸手就可以 跟著你去
One of my favourite songs for now. Quite a pity that I discovered this song so late. It is from an album by cherry boom like quite some years ago le. Loves how she sings, loves the band sound, loves the lyrics. It is girl's kind of lyrics. Sweet and touching. Next song in line also by them, but it is a different type of feel.
庭院
城市的黑夜 剩下一輪圓月
靜靜在天邊 敵不過霓虹街
桂花開了沒 這裡只有玫瑰
一朵五十元 沒有根可喝水
這裡是 海風吹不進的塔
都情願 陷在巨大補夢網
回家的路不遠 看見沒在日出後面
我們走太遠 只顧著 往前去探險
回家的路不遠 聞到了下雨的氣味
我們才想起 又把傘 遺忘在庭院
城市的黑夜 孤獨特別冷冽
我站在大街 不知該往哪邊
桂花開了沒 開在家的牆邊
寄給我一些 陪著我去思念
這裡是 海風吹不進的塔
都情願 陷在巨大補夢網
回家的路不遠 看見沒在日出後面
我們走太遠 只顧著 往前去探險
回家的路不遠 聞到了下雨的氣味
我們才想起 又把傘 遺忘在庭院
回家的路不遠 在夢裡走過好幾遍
我們一路跑 一路追 到不了終點
回家的路不遠 聞到了下雨的氣味
我們才想起 又把傘 遺忘在庭院
有多少明天 能一再地耗費
耗費的昨天 風乾剩下的淚
要多大的心願 讓遺憾少一點
隨著海風吹 吹向來時庭院
This song gets me thinking. Though I havent exactly go and ponder about it yet, but I have a special feeling for this song. Something expressive, somethings I wanna say but I havent put it into actual words yet.
I am still sick for now. My cough ain't better, and I have greenish thick phlegm, so chesty. Thus, I am still feeling weak and unable to concentrate. Haix, shall post more complex things next time. Meanwhile enjoy the songs.
20:25
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Sunday, November 21, 2010
sick
One word to summarise my life for the whole week: sick.
Cough, sore throat, generalised weakness. The most bothering is cough. 5th day today. Next is the sore throat, my voice is gone for now.
Next thing to mention, I am currently engaged in cherry boom's songs. All sounds nice and touching.
That's for all now until I get better.
20:56
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Monday, November 15, 2010
stupid
I dunno why, ever since I've started work at this new area, I feel more and more stupid every day. I don't remember myself being so stupid in the past. I dunno whether is it my own negative thinking. But one thing for sure, I feel so stupid here every day. Everything I do seems not to be right, and everything I am not sure of what to do. I used to answer other's queries and I used to have solutions for problems in the past, now I am like the one creating queries and problems. Is it my own problem, or is it the people here who are making me feel stupid?
Like what I've updated on facebook earlier. Positive thinking: today is a bad day, but tomorrow will be better. Negative thinking: today is a lousy day and tomorrow better be better. Depressive thinking: Can there be no tomorrow and everything just end here??
Sadly I seemed to belong to the third category, depressive thinking now. I still do not understand why this place has this ability to make me doubt about myself, doubt about my intelligence and survival skills. I never feel like this before in the past, but now, I really felt being put down.
Believe in yourself, have faith in yourself, these seem not to be applicable to me for now. Hate this stupidity feel.
22:12
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Saturday, November 13, 2010
French Lunch
Half day work today, first time I find that working half a day is not enough, because there are still pending things yet to be finished. No choice, need to wait for monday le. Monday is a 12hour shift for me, I hope I will have some time to finish up my stuff, well, still left quite a lot wonder can finish it or not. Of course, nice weekend, don't think about work anymore. Wait till monday then think and fret. Haha.
Went to the company's year end function today. It is weird I know because I am still an agency staff only. Thought I would not enjoy it, but in the end, still not bad. Enjoyed the food, though I don't think I said anything during the whole event (because I really don't know what can I say), but it is quite interesting to listen to them talk also. Well, listener is an important role as well. I am ok with the relationship with them now, because if I grow any closer to them, things will get complicated. My saying, no trust no feeling no hatred. Meaning: better to be just colleagues, and not talk about anything else except work-related, in case anything in the future, I will not be affected? Well, something like that but I don't know how to say la. Furthermore, I really do not have topics to share with them. The link or connection is just not that. Not my clique. Really. They think I am too quiet, maybe I am over there. But actually I am not, those who know me will know, maybe they may prefer not to know me in the end. Because I tend to over-talk. LOL. Seems like a split personality yeah.
Anyway, the lunch was great, just a bit lengthy that it stretched from 1-4pm. In the end, I did not eat any dinner because it just seems that I just had my lunch when dinner time reached. Love scallops, love the sea bass and of course dessert warm chocolate tart. Only regret is I ordered lobster bisque instead of mushroom soup. I think I would like mushroom soup better, because lobster soup is abit weird tasting. But nice still la. Atas dining place. And ya, I drank 1 glass of white and red wine each. I like the white wine. It is nice, and sweet?? But I think my alcohol tolerance a bit not there, just 2 glasses, I feel a bit sway already, luckily only for a while. After the event still managed to go west mall shop with Shina.
Thank you to Shina for the white lovers' biscuits. Loved them. Shall slowly eat and save all for myself. Haha. Hokkaido really seems nice after listening to her travel story. Makes me more tempted to go Korea next year. Well, tentatively. Haha.
Had a sudden idea flashing that maybe I should study biological science instead. Firstly it is my interest as well, secondly it is quite related to my work/previous study, thirdly it may have more career prospects. Well, it is just a sudden idea, but of course I still need to think about it more. Don't want to regret my choice again. Like in secondary school when I've decided already to study mass communication, but in the end, chose nursing instead for don't know whatever reason. Now, it is like going through the same situation again. Chinese versus biological science. Totally different 2 areas. I could have consider enrolling for mass communication actually, but somehow I had zero confidence to get in. Dunno why, but it just seemed to me that I definitely cannot make it in. Quite a no. of friends taking that, which this already turns me off a little, no offence just feels weird, then also it seems really a english type program, and covers broad aspects of media. Of course I know all courses except chinese are english programs, but I just feel that program is too westernized. Dunno how to describe la, and also I am only interested in print media actually, not filming or photography or PR. So yup, I don't think I will try to choose that. Now I just want to choose something closest to my interest, and something which I think I will have high chance of getting it. That's all.
Anyway 3 more months to consider. I need a lot of constructive opinions to guide me actually, but sadly rarely I heard of. No choice, depends on myself lo. Times like this you will wish an elder brother/sister around to give you advice. Naive thinking. And I've officially given up the idea of trying to psycho Emily into studying as well. Clearly, the way she thinks is different from me. Which is reasonable because everyone has different thinking and you cannot force your way of thinking on others. I accept and concede defeat. She is a too simple girl I supposed, and is contented with a simple job and life. Well, for me I think I am very different. Ambitions, dreams and goals, I think I will spend my whole life going after them. And judging from my previous experience, I know I am definitely not somemore who will be contented with just a simple life. At least not for now. Once thought that I will just be a nurse forever lo, earn decent pay lead a simple life. But dunno from when starting, I will think of is this all I wanna do? What else should I have done instead? I think it is really influence from mayday's music. Is it good or bad? The more I listen to 知足，the more 不知足. Funny. Anyway, I am ok with the me now, ready to accept more challenges, in flight mode all the time. Striving to achieve more, striving to live more meaningfully and happily.
现在的我，因为有梦想有目标，过的更充实，也更有动力往前走。虽然真正想要什么还不明确，但我已看到我眼前的路是明亮的，我相信只要坚持走下去，就可以看见真正的希望。
Time to snooze. Still have the alcohol smell in my mouth. I think my rate of metobolism and excretion for alcohol is far too slow. Need sleep. Good night.
00:15
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Wednesday, November 10, 2010
chocolates!
Here I am updating my blog again. I am surprised someone do realise my change of style in writing. Well, I did not expect anyone to take notice of that actually. It was a random thought that I should use back proper punctuation and english to update so that I will get the momentum of writing back again. Had been using shortforms, weird way of writing since polytechnic times that I think my english really deteoriates a lot. So now, I will try writing properly again, in case when I really study next time, I will not score too badly. Haha.
Today is yet a stressful day. Blood taking is a chore and stressful thing already, doing that with a time limit is worse! Imagine taking blood every 8minutes, SHARP! Well, sadly I do miss some time points today, but I would say it is really not my fault. Anyway, done more than 10 venepunctures today, by lunch time I am very exhausted. Racing against time and focussing hard , thus making me very tired. Had a nice lunch today with zhen, she is upset about her work, so am I being upset about my fickle minded. Well, everyone does have their own problems to be troubled of.
Shina is back from her hokkaido trip. I am looking very forward to the chocolates! Greedy me. I am beginning to feel regretful to agree to go for the lunch on friday. Should have rejected and enjoy my half day off thoroughly. Now I need to go to somewhere which I definitely know I will be very uneasy there. Not looking forward to friday now, instead, saturday please come quickly. I must find a big excuse to run away from the lunch quick, since I have no choice but to go already, the next option is to try to get away from there fast. Seriously thinking back, I think I am always getting into such situations, awkward situations of being there when there is no need to. Digging a hole for myself to jump in. Stupid me.
Anyway, following saturdays are all packed. Going for yinxin's birthday party this sat, next sat will be going to movies with sis which I already booked and paid for the tickets. Harry Potter's fan my sis, if I don't go with her, I will die fast I think. Next next saturday will be Rene's concert, which I suddenly decided to go some time ago. Still don't know why I suddenly feel like going to her concert, but surprisingly I am quite looking forward to it now. Masa will be the special guest, can I hope for more?? Haha.
Tomorrow is guitar lesson again after last week's break due to holiday. Quite looking forward but I think I am getting lazy in practising it. Shall practise it more often after lesson tomorrow. Procastinating. LOL.
Lastly, it is already the 2nd week of november. I could see the year end coming soon. Well, it is always like that. Once december is here, new year will follow in a blink, and next, it is chinese new year again. Meaning feb is coming as well. I am yearning for 2011 to come quickly. A lot of plans made for next year.
1) study
2) travel
Just no.1 is the big major plan which may affect me for 4years already. That I've rambled enough in my last past, so shall not talk about it again until I have clearer plans. With regards to travel, it had been on my mind to go for a trip again. Yup again. Well, I may not go back to taiwan again ba, unless there is no other choices which I doubt so. May be going to korea with my mum, she feels like going. May be going to shanghai as what song ran and zhen had planned. But I had no idea yet as well, because still need to look at how much I could save. May not go anywhere afterall?? Maybe.
All are still tentative plans, until 2011 comes.
20:36
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Tuesday, November 09, 2010
pls remove my brain
Hate myself for being indecisive. From young till now, I had been a bad decision maker. Every decision that I've made seems to be a bad choice. Be it choosing something to eat, or choosing what to study. And sadly, it is always after things are decided then you will realise that it is a bad choice, or I should have chosen the other instead. Is it a common mentality? That the moon in other countries are always rounder?? Lol, what a phrase, direct translation from chinese saying.
Actually, I am always given the luxury and freedom to choose and decide what I want. From choosing a secondary school, to choosing my tertiary education, to choosing a course I want to study, and even till now, to choosing a job or a new course to study. My family had always leave the decision solely to myself. This is indeed a good thing actually, because everyone wants to have a say in their own future. And everyone especially young people definitely do not like others to decide things for them. I am given the freedom to choose everytime, but everytime I hated it. I do wish for someone to decide for me sometimes. NO, YOU DEFINITELY HAVE TO DO THIS!!! Maybe I am just being selfish or maybe I am just too timid to face the road I have chosen for myself. For example the road of nursing, I solely made the decision myself despite objections, and now, I need to face the reality that I have made a wrong choice and I have no one to blame except for myself. Yup maybe I am just too selfish, because I am wanting others to decide for me so that in case the decision is wrong again, I will have someone else to blame.
Selfish human, the selfish me.
But of course as usual, I still have the main decision making power now to decide what do I really want to study for university. Everyday I am troubled by this issue, making me having headaches. I think I am too afraid to make a wrong choice again. I want to choose something I like to study, then I realised I do not really know what I like actually. I seem to have an interest in chinese, but exactly how much I like it? How worth is it to study that? How is it really like and am I just choosing for the sake of choosing? I really do not know. Of course there are many choices in my mind such as science courses and even the latest thinking in my mind, bioengineering. But I am regretful of having to think so much that I really cannot decide now. I do hope there is someone who can take me through all this agony, but everytime I tried to find someone to talk to, they will just say it is your choice, believe what you like etc. , which is actually quite useless talk. I think what I need most is constructive comments and opinions, not supporting statements. But then again, I am one who always think too much, wanted too much. Even when it comes to buying stuff, I will always look at other choices even when I am already at the cashier taking out money to pay. That is indeed my weak point.
Now it is back to the same topic again. What should I study exactly? I am indecisive of chinese, though I was quite confident to study it in my previous posts, but after thinking through again, I am afraid things will not go the way I wanted like getting into double major for mass communication, what if I did not do well enough to get my double major? Then purely with the degree in chinese what can I do then? Choosing chinese as my course of study is mainly due to the fact that I may be able to work in the chinese media industry, which is then what I always wanted to do since young. But without the other major, what can I do then? Chinese teacher? I seriously do not think I am suitable, but on the other hand, I do not want to give up on chinese just because of this reason. Haix, one word to describe it all, contradicting.
Next choice will be science course or bioengineering. Why is that in my list, mainly because it is quite related to what I am doing now. And I do always have interest in medical, but again, how much do I like it then? Or is it just because I am finding something which had good career prospects?
I think I still need some courage to decide for myself what do I want exactly. Glad that I am thinking about this issue now, not somewhere next year when I am already needed to choose the course. Meanwhile, I still have 3 months to decide.
19:45
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Monday, November 08, 2010
down
Despite working for around 3months there le, i still dun think i am adapting to that place.The workflow, the people, the processes, most importantly, i dun feel i belong there. i think my heart cant seem to be at there at all. Although i am trying hard to learn whatever i can, i just find being there is weird. Feeling of insecureness??? Perhaps so. I dun like the feeling of being lost there, but i just cant help it. Everyone seems to have their own part to play, and they know very well what they are supposed to do. But i dont. Maybe tt's why i am lost always. I feel bad/awkward to be lost. Cos i think there are always people there looking at me, which i seriously dun like it. Or rather i hate it. I am not a kid lo. I maybe young, but i am not stupid. But i just have this feeling that they think i am ignorant/stupid/blur. Well, maybe i am not sure of what to do, because there is really nothing and no one to guide. I am considered totally new to this area of work, and i need sometime to crawl through. I dun think acting smart is a good way to survive there, i shall continue my blurness??? and smoke my way through?? Hmm, i just feel defensive whenever i am there. Cos i dun like their culture of finger pointing (which ppl always claim they dun) and i dun like their suspicious look on me. Well, i just want to shout out sometimes i am not stupid. I know what i am supposed to do, i will do it well, just leave me alone and stop following or stressing me.
Haix, I seriously hope for 2011 to come quickly. I hope for my next journey to begin quickly. I dun hate this job seriously, but i dun fancy it as well. But i am glad that it actually makes me realise i really hate this line of work and i am actually heading in the correct direction of wanting to change a new line completely. I may be studying something which seems useless in the future, but i am sure doing and reading something i am interested in will be definitely better than now the present.
October vanishes fast, and november is doing the same as well, I am very glad. Soon, 2011 will jump in, soon, my contract here will finish, and soon, i will be finally enrolled studying???? I hope so...haha, but who knows, maybe the universities decided ultimately not to admit me??? Please don't...haha. Well, i do hope to continue working here until my school starts next yr. But maybe they will not want me anymore, considering the fact i am really slow and not adapting well here, maybe they can't wait to kick me away.
But anyway, life goes on. Yup, remember life goes on. I will not be depressed and affected by such things now, because i have a bigger goal ahead of me. I like the feeling of slowly moving towards my goal, it seems that all obstacles i met with now are just stepping stones to help me reach my goal ultimately. So, no unhappiness is truely unhappiness to me. Well, it seems a good way to live like that for the time being. 化悲伤成努力向前的动力。有目标有理想有梦想的人生让一切不美好的事物变得美好，让所有的不快乐都显得微不足道。因为我知道只要坚持走下去，就能看见曙光！
20:29
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Friday, November 05, 2010
tension
Havent been updating for a while...quite busy with work recently...i think i am beginning to feel the tension as the timepoint comes nearer...timepoint...i think this is a word often used in research setting...haha...just that i am just not so used to it yet...keeping to time...while..i guess i am a known habitual latecomer...trying hard to kick away this bad habit...aniwae...the one thing i am not used to in work will be meeting...endless meetings...first...boring and it really puts me to sleep...suck my brain essence sometimes...making me headache...secondly...i still dun understand what they are talking about sometimes...thirdly...i hate to give comments on things...well...i guess i am still a highly unsociable person at work...haix...i think i may even look a bit stupid or blur ba...judging from the way they talked to me...i dunno...certain things they talk so easily and for granted...but i really dun understand...it is not something u can understand just by thinking through yourself...but sometimes i do feel their unwillingness to say more and hence making me to keep to myself more...well...i should not grumble much...interim...interim...haha...
but now it is not as bad as in the beginning...though i am a bit busier now...but at least i can grasp what they are saying now...and i am able to help to do some things now...but i still need more time to adapt...it is really a different setting...different work requirements..even u may be doing the same thing like in ward eg taking blood or doing ecg...the work processes are just so different...i dun like the idea that there are eyes staring at you sometimes...and i dun like the atmosphere that when they do debrief after a certain event i am the so-called bottleneck...it sounds offensive sometimes to me...but luckily i dun really mind...although it is a bit hurtful to hear such comments..i think i am just too stressed by them...i dun remember being so stress when taking a blood in ward...but now...it seems that i cannot make any miss at all..this is real stressful in my opinion..
aniwae...i will take things lightly from now...as in take all those comments lightly...i think tt is how the way they talk...loud and straight...although not pleasant...but i shall accomodate that...after all i really think we are from a different generation...i am not gg to blend into their generation's culture...because i know i am not gg to stay long there...sounds bad...but i still have my own path to go...but i am glad i chose a different aspect of nursing to try out...now i really know this job is not for me...be it facing healthy or sick ppl...it is just intolerable...
talk about rushing to the singapore hit awards last friday...it is just a last minute decision...buying tickets at 7pm...at vivo...show starting at 7.30pm at indoor stadium...pratically ran my way their...and gobbling up a burger outside the venue in 5mins time...just to see my fave idol getting price on stage...i must be crazy...but no regrets...love all the artists' performance...i was tearing when hebe is on stage talking about selina...i think their relationship is really very very close and good and i can feel how terrible she felt even though they won a lot of awards..but of cos my aim is to see magic power...well...though little fans around...but i am sure more ppl will know them in e future...admire ting ting's style of music and lyrics..admire's ga ga shuai-ness...like spongebob as much as gu gu...have hair as curly as lei bao...growing as fat as kai kai...getting taller like ah xiang...haha...though only sang one song...a bit wasted they drag their barang barang all the way here...but they sang it perfect :) awaiting their next album...
also heard the lousy chinese by some award presenters...felt a bit disgraceful actually...wrong pronounciation...nvr mind...say the artist's name wrongly somemore...i didnt know that singaporean's chineses level is getting so low..and i was a bit sad when the lyricist xiao han said something regarding chinese is not getting recognised in singapore etc...but she is still trying very hard to write more songs...and the efforts of all others who tried to get chinese more recognised here...it sorta confirmed my decision in going into chinese studies...yup 80% confirmed now...
aniwae...it is a rare long weekend...but sadly i am working on sunday half day...so long nvr work on sunday le...a bit weird...0730 somemore...so i cannot stay up late tmr???? lol...see how...gg to guihua's house tmr...ex colleague...and i did not realise that she just live 2streets from me...so near...haix...enough of words..getting back to my show...du xin shen tan...nice nice nice
22:03
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