Monday, September 01, 2008
shihwee's independence day
LOL..this is a day of independence for me...1st of sep...what a nice date to remember..finally..the moment has come for me to be independent..take report alone...write report alone..do changes alone...give medicine alone..pass report alone...really scary lol...esp medicine administration..e feeling of uncertaintity so strong..but no choice...cos i am alone..
never expect myself to pass med test on e first go...and i was damm shocked when i looked at e test paper last sat..only 1/3 of the paper is what i studied...ok...or rather..i only studied e anti-hypertensive meds..but it came out a lot more than tt..the anti platelets...anti coagulation..procedures..inr...and a lot more qns asked by sister...but i guess her mood not bad tt day...slowly explained to me those things which i cant get it..and oso help me sign my ivm course assessment...so i passed just like tt...despite some mistakes here and there...happy-ing...haha...and of course..i shared the test qns with my batch colleagues too..lol..i almost told them every qns le...and what sister asked verbally too...i think i am very kind le lo..haha...but this should be e way ba...to help as far as u can...
aniwae..sometimes i am happy with this job..other times i am not...envious of those who can study and..most importantly..study or do what they wished for..i want to study too...but there is no opportunities..no support...yup...no support from anyone...can anyone imagine how sad is that???..i doubt anyone can understand my feelings..i already tried not to cry or think too much about this le...but still...a little sadded..is like..finally i decided what i want to do most...finally i decided what is my future route...what is my dream...what is the thing i want to do most...then in the end...NO SUPPORT FROM ANYONE...ESP MY PARENTS...i dunno what to say...i dun want to argue with them too..i understand their stand..but who bothers to understand mine...who bothers to think about how i really feel and what i really want???...having no dreams is bad...but having a dream but no way of fulfilling is a torture...but what can i do???
i dunno..maybe i should just remain just what i am doing now...having an income...no need to get money from them...but the main prob is i am not happy with this at all..i dunno...i just feel very sad that why cant i be like anyone else to study as they wish???...other ppl can study uni...choose what they like to study...even got any financial prob...due to the super ex uni fees..i bet other ppl's parents will find ways to help the child...be it bank loan or school loan or what...so as to let the child coninue her studies...get better qualification...this should be the right attitude isnt it??..but no for my case...can anyone imagine how i feel when my dad just say he will never sign any bank or school loan thing for me???...can anyone understand how i feel when my mum upon hearing this says nothing at all???...just ask me to take scholarship or what???...
ya...right...as if scholarship is so easy to obtain...i am not very outstanding or what...i dun have fantastic grades or achievement to get anyone to recommend me for any awards...so...i cannot study because i cannot get any award???...yes this world is so unfair...i know it...so i only can blame the fact that i am not born in a rich family la...
of course...alternative options is...to work and study at the same time...but this is impossible for me too..not that i am unable to take the hardship or what...but anyone who knows me well enough should know that my health could never allow this...just prcp attachment alone can make me lose 10kg in 3 months..just the stress from work now can make me feel giddy everynow and then...but sadly...no one really understand how bad i feel when i am really busy at work??...can anyone imagine feeling giddy when u turn..when u walk...feeling the world spinning...feeling the world in front of u gg black at times...and lagging when others ask u qns???...
really really really hate myself for being so weak....
really really really hate this world...reality is cruel...and me...as a weak being...has no choice but to succumb to fate...
(PS: alright...enough of ranting...though how angry...how sad i feel...life still has to go on...and i still have to work everyday...main thing now is...to find happiness in sadness...)
21:55
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