Friday, December 05, 2008
change of thought
finished my round of 4nights...and now is rest days finally...exchange shifts with colleagues...so end up now i had rest until next tues...b4 working straight for 7days again...actually...intended to blog about happier things...but now seriously thinking about it...i have little or rather no delightful things to blog about at all...
was browsing through facebook, friends' blogs just now...the more i see the more sad i become...well..actually...this thought had appeared last night??..when i was chatting with one colleague during night shift...i guess..no one else will truely understand how we feel really...except us...she is 22 ...while i am 20...yet we are already having the mindsets of ppl in 32..scanning through different exciting entries in facebook or blogs or whatsoever...i am seriously thinking of what exactly am i doing??..
i no longer had exciting lifes to live...i no longer had delightful moments with friends to share...what revolves around me is just work...work and more work...rest days...still thinking about work...what is on for the day..what will happen next...
while many others of the same age are still enjoying their youth...i can no longer feel the excitement or meaning of life...i know...different ppl hav different paths of their own...but why cant i also enjoy myself as others will??..i do very much want to go on studying...or go do something which i really enjoy...but i just cant...
if i dont continue working...what else can i do??
3-4months ago..i still have some plans going on in my head...like...i want to enrol for uni next yr...but now...sadly to say...but i have totally no mood to think about studying again...i dunno why..i used to have so many plans of what to study...what i will like...but now...i am just thinking of...just work la...what else can i do besides working...
i guess i have already lost the motivation to study...and also lost the motivation to pursue different interests or dreams of mine...or...do i really have any dreams in the 1st place???..seriously...i think i have forgotten it all...what is left in my head...is just...different diagnoses...different blood tests...different medications...all is just about work work and work...
work already drains out all the available energy of mine...after work or on rest days...all i wanna do is just to sleep rest...or just stay at home..without facing anyone else...cos i already face enough ppl during work...even times when i met friends for outings...i cant even concentrate well on just enjoying myself...the mind somehow or what..will stilll drift back to what happens during work...
reflections...yup...lots of reflections...what hav i done wrong..what hav i not done...even my dreams...or rather nightmares now...will be scary stressful scenes in hospital...
seriously...why am i facing all of these nonsense???...i thoroughly miss my sec..poly days...when i can just go school..sit for exams...stress for a while...then get over with it...and enjoy...not like now...every step i made..every sentence i say...every word i write...or every action i do...i need to be extremely careful...not to make any mistakes..
sometimes when patients or relatives ask how old i am...twenty...oh please...they will stare at me with big eyes...i dun behave like a twenty would...i dun talk like a twenty...and of cos i wont look like a twenty...
to sum up all...what i just wanna say is that...though it is bad to have such thinking...but i am really really really envious of many of my other friends...i also want to live such lives as them...rush for assignments...study and stress for exams...face the heavy stress of academic...yet...can enjoy totally when all are over..
mistakes can be made when u are still studying...but when u are out at work..mistakes are usually intolerable...which makes me being extra careful of every single thing...
smile when u are happy...and smile even u are not happy...
and the sadest...smile when u are not feeling anything...
sister just sign my confirmation letter today...i was actually quite worried that i may not pass probation...i thought i was...but today...even when i counter sign the letter also..i have this feeling of nothingless...no emotions...just sign...thank you...a smile...and go...i thought i would be sky high happy when i am confirmed...i really thought i would...
i dunno what kind of life am i living..i dunno what am i living for...i dunno what am i writing now...i seriously dunno why should i even exist now...
perhaps ..i am just writing out rubbish here...
main point
ignore this entry...no one will understand anyway...because u are not me..
23:36
0 comments