Thursday, January 22, 2009
pre cny post
wow...feels that this year really moves fast...cny is coming...just next wk...haha...i am only looking forward to reunion dinner...ya...tt's it...food ma...will have a lot of good food...lol...other than tt nothing else...i guess i had past the age of looking forward to cny because of hongbaos...new clothes...or whatever...i am already 21...ya...21...spent my 21st birthday in e boredest what...lol...no celebrations or what...just like it past like any other normal days...i dun feel exceptionally happy or different on tt day also...but...thanks to all birthday greetings i received...really appreciates it...though i dun have any fanciful birthday party or what...i am still happy with those greetings...and of course thanks to those whom never wish me at all...i am not mad or what...it is just confirming my feeling of i am not tt important anyway...
anyway...it had all past...haha...sadly to say...my ultra good mood had used up...haix...i was hoping it to remain for like 6months...no la..haha...kidding...but of course...like what ppl say...good luck won't stay with u forever...and i assume that good mood won't stay forever also...haha...not say i am feeling down or what now...just...normal ba...not extra happy or what...but not sad or stress or what...i guess i am really starting to adapt to my working life...and to face it positively instead...though there are still many times which my luck not good...super busy until 12mn then reach home..write notes until my fingers like gg to cramp le...i dun feel angry stress or what...instead i will just like slowly write...finished up my stuff then go home lo...i dunno this is a good or bad sign...i am starting to feel indifferent to a lot of things...maybe one day i will become emotionless too..
back to cny topic...not looking forward...cos i dun yearn for the hongbao money tt much anymore...haha...i am earning my own money now...and i dun look forward to new clothes anymore...used to seldom buy clothes...so cny will be a great chance for me to grab a lot of clothes...but now i can buy clothes anytime i want..no issue..so cny or not...i still get new clothings..with my own money of course...and...i dun really care about new clothings or what...cos i had little occasions to wear them out also...gg to work...just wear tshirts and shorts lo...lazy to even wear jeans..got to change to scrubs anyway...so the only thing left about cny is good food...or rather good homecooked food...ya...i dun care about outside food...i can eat anytime anywhere also...just that now rarely get to eat home food...so ...perhaps reunion dinner is a great opportunity...i miss curry chicken...braised duck...and steamed fish...perhaps some soup and vege too...
see...even festive seasons dun pose much meaning to me now...not christmas...not new year...not chinese new year...and not even my own birthday...i dunno what am i turning into...a working creature with no emotion??..or what...i think i fit nicely into mayday song 生存以上 生活以下...nope...i dun want to grumble anymore...i know doing every or anything had both good and bad points...i know studying will be stress also...and i know working will bring me money...i know ppl should leave with a goal...i know everyone should think positively...i know i must relax...i know i know and i know...i know i will always feel ppl are living a better life than me...isn't that what most ppl will feel??...
when u are studying...u will say ppl working are much better...no need to worry about exams and tests...got money to spend...but they never think of the "thousand greater amount of stress than exam" working ppl feel...they never think of the terrifying human relationships that we handle...they never know that it is no longer about friends or not friends...it is about backstabbing...not gossiping...it is about real tears and battle...and not kiddish games that u faced in school...and of course...like us when we are working...we will tend to forget how hard studying may be...the never ending projects and projects...exams and exams...long hours of lectures with lecturer saying things that no one understand...mugging into wee hours in the night..
yup..if only i am working...if only i am studying...if only i am not working...if only i am not studying...if only we are not doing what we are doing now...what do we want exactly...what do i want exactly???
i am once very sure tt i will definitely enrol into uni this year...but is that what i only want???..what do i want to study exactly...??..or am i just wanting to enrol because most of my friends are studying now??..or do i just really feel like studying???..or do i just want to get out of working life and escape from it???...what do i want???..maybe i should not just blindly be envious of those who are still studying and feel outcasted that i thought i should go back to studies too...maybe or rather...i am snapping myself out of this...
it is sad to admit...but all will need to grow up one day...i am avoiding...i am escaping i know...because i really don't want to become a full fledge working adult...i dun want to grow out of my teenage life...i dun want to become the kind of adults...but still...
人始终抵抗不了命运，也摆脱不了命运的安排。对，很多人说命运由自己掌握，我的命我自己决定。可是，当人渐渐成长，渐渐被环境屈服，渐渐被现实打击，就会明白，自己是多么的渺小，多么的无力。即使多么不想长大，多么不想成为只为了生存而不是生活的人，还是免不了被腐败的环境与残酷的现实所收买，然后成为了自己最不想变成的那种大人。
或许，我的想法并不是所有人都赞同，但总有一天，他们也会发现，自己终究会走上这条路。长时间沉浸于残酷的环境，自己也会有受污染的一天。届时，即使心地再善良，心思再幼稚，想法再天真的人，也会被迫使改变自己，成为一个对凡事都不敢兴趣，一个对一切都冷感，一个连自己都厌恶的人。这就是生存之道。
真心以对不一定能被真心对待。
但不谈感情，不拿出真心的人，就一定不会被伤害。
所以，就让冷漠成为自己的保护色，好让自己能在这社会继续生存下去。
well...don't be alarmed by my above words...i am just stating out what i feel..what i feel about the reality...though much that i dun want to become that kind of person...the environment that i am in is forcing me to gear towards that direction...
被逼着向环境屈服，是所有人都会面对的窘境。
差别只是时间的不同罢了。
所以，我想，我身边的人都不可能会明白我此时此刻的心情。我也不可望有人会了解，毕竟自己也不是很了解自己。或许过了一段时期，我就能摆脱这种情绪，从新找到生活的意义吧。
23:29
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