Saturday, December 12, 2009

wonder why

sometimes...i really wonder the value of e word friendship....what is friendship supposed to mean??..what are friends??..who are your friends??...important? essential? truthful? helpful? or are they just friends because they need you sometimes...and you need them sometimes??...if they are really essential in one's life..where are they when u need them?...are they really listening if you really want to talk to them? do they really care about your feelings? do they know how you feel actually??...or they are just there when they need you..when they need a favour from you..why they need someone to listen to them...when they suddenly feel u are there? i am not being negative...i am not being unhappy with anyone...just a sudden thought...friends come and go in our lives...some leave a deep mark...some are just passer-by...but are there really friends that remain and stays? of course...everyone's life is different...everyone has their own circle of friends...or rather many many circles of friends...everyone has their own life to live...those you considered them important to you...may not consider you being important to them...those you always think about them...may not even think of you until once in a blue moon...those you really care and worry about...may not even have you in their thoughts for once...and those that you really want to talk to them..may not even want to listen to you...

i am used to be a listener...no matter with who or at which stage of life...i dun mind being a listener...i loved to listen to my friends' lives...stories...emotions...i may not be a good talker...but i can be an excellent listener...cos i listen with my heart...though sometimes i may seem 'emotionless' but i do understand what others are telling me...i even will try hard to put myself in their shoes...and understand how they feel...i do carry their worries and emotions with me...i do feel sad when i saw others being sad...i do worry when i saw something not right be it in person by msg or by facebook even...but sometimes...i feel i am just being over emotional...not expressing it out...rather inside...they may not need me to understand them afterall..they may not need me to worry for them after all...or rather...there is nothing for me to worry after all...they come and go...maybe i am emotional type of person...though i dun express out to others...because i never had a chance too...but i always feel emotional...be it really with regards to friends...or just a scene in book..movie...tv..whatever...i will always try to feel what e lead feel...cannot understand...never mind...i dun think anyone will try to understand me...cos i am used to be a listener only...not a speaker...be it where ever i am

i am not complaining...everyone had different roles to play in life...even if anyone now wants me to say out everything in my heart to them...i will not do so...because it is just not me to do so...i am listening always...not the one speaking...sometimes...i may want to be the one speaking...but i guess my range of topics are not very much welcomed by others...so i will just say whatever they wish for me to say...jokes...gossip...whatever...to say different things to different people...to say what ppl like to hear...to predict...to guess...maybe i am a listener for too long...sometimes or rather most of the time..i can predict what others want to hear...i can predict how they are gg to answer...i can guess most of the topics...i can think faster than what ppl do...

anyway...keeping a blog is helpful sometimes...things that i want to ramble..things i want to talk...things i want to share...i can write it all here...it makes me feel alive sometimes...reading back past entries...i find that there are actually many things i kept in mind...things i never told anyone else...all is written here...some are literally spelt out...some are not...but when i read what i write...i can remember all the events...and my true feelings at tt point of time...it is like a mini lock...to the back of my mind...well...people do ask me why am i so close to my mum? as in i am always gg out with her...calling her??..i will usually smile and brush the topic off...if i am those straightforward type of ppl...i will defintely shoot back and say...tt's because you all are not even listening to what i really want to say...it irritates me when ppl ask you regarding your life...things you like..you feelings...your comments...but actually..they are just asking for the sake of asking..why do i say that?..because...when u are answering those questions...when u are halfway through letting your thoughts out...when u are just about to open yourself and share...they have already closed their ears...they are not even concerned about all these?..so why ask in the first place?..

i am glad there are such people called family in this world...really am...cos sometimes i feel that the one and only person who will listen to me is my family...my mum my sis my dad...though i seldom talk to my dad...but from my mum..i know my dad will always ask about me...just this...i feel very heart warming...and my mum...i really think i can tell all things to her...when i am really feeling terrible...i will just cry in front of her...i will not do that in front of anyone else...if i am really happy...i will just keep on rambling about those things..even if i already talked about that for a thousand times...my mum...even my sis will still listen to me...

sometimes..people will say to me that i am too quiet...i wonder back..what is the use of talking so much when no one is expecting a detail answer from you...i mean...conversation takes more than one party...to talk more...depends also on who your partner is...very often...when they ask me something...before i talk 2 sentences about me and my feelings...they already switched topics...maybe because they find what i say is repetitive...maybe they feel my life and story is not exciting at all...maybe they dun really want to know so much about me after all...so in e end...maybe i should just listen only after all

anyway...21 years of living in this world..not too short..not too long...just enough to learn how to survive...just enough to learn how to protect yourself...just enough to learn how to blend into others' worlds...i admit i am always leading a boring life...i admit there is nothing great or interesting about my life stories..i admit i am still being childish to always chase after idols...i admit all that happened in my life is not so important after all...perhaps i will still only continue to be a great listener for the rest of my life...perhaps i will never learn how to be a better speaker...but well...nothing wrong about that...nothing not good about that...after all...people around are already troubled enough...why add on to their worries??..my worries and concerns may actually be nothing in their eyes...also...what i considered happy and great...may not be that superior to others after all...instead of disappointing myself when i dun see the same happiness in others when i talked about my experiences...i rather not say anything and keep the small happiness to myself...

ok...above is just a little little though of mine...nothing to worry...nothing to think about...just a thought...ha

finally watched new moon today...i find the movie great...ha...i know that's not what others said...but i still find it nice...more story telling i know...less action...less thrilling...less exciting...but sometimes such simple things are the ones which formed life...aniwae...i like jacob...he looks cool in the movie...haha...wow...i cant believe i used almost 45mins to type this entry...so exhausted now...

lastly...a song to share...i think it sorta reflects what i really want to say above...again...i doubt anyone will really want to know or want to understand...

00:54

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Shi Hwee
CS Yr 4 in NTU

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