Thursday, February 24, 2011
No more thriller or horror
Gosh, I think I did not have any good night sleep since last sunday, all thanks to watching e black swan midnight show on sat. E show is great I know, e company is great, but the after effects are terrible!! I dunno why I am so deeply affected by e scenes in e movie to the extent that I really feared being in e dark or looking into mirrors particularly at night. No kidding lo. Now I really scared, cos I think I am on e verge to become schizophrenic !!!!
Sometimes I wished I had a poor memory, then I will not be able to remember scenes of the movie so well. Though it is not a horror movie, I am yet still so affected. I will never attempt to watch all these again. Now what I wish is for a better night sleep, I think today is better, at least I felt that I slept maybe like 2am or what, haha, and did not wake up until alarm rang at 6. Much better. Monday was e worst cos I dun remember falling asleep at all. Maybe the impact is weakening already. Good sign. If not I am really doubting myself to be schizophrenic le. Arhx!!
Oh, I have more shows to watch on Internet again. Happy. Cannot bear to finish e book I've mentioned in my previous post, cos it is really too nice!! I am laughing and tearing together with the scenes described in the book. There may not be beautiful descriptions or words, but the 'trueness' in his words is thoroughly felt. And it of course makes me more certain that I should really go and pursue the dreams of mine. It may be silly in e eyes of others, it may even be that in e end what u achieve is actually nothing, but I believed what is important and meaningful is the courage, motivation and perseverance to be able to continue on despite all the doubts.
Well, sometimes thinking seriously, why not just walk an easy route instead of one which will have many sharp turns and painful bumps? Being a nurse is ok ma, I will definitely be able to survive on if I want to. It is a stable job with a stable income, and many different areas to explore as well. Why not just continue on then? Haix, sadly i still thought of these sometimes, and wonder why am I pushing myself to a different environment to start all over again? Why not just continue the path that is already laid out nicely ahead of u instead of an unexplored path which is filled with unknown?? Why why why???
I think I still have many queries in my brain. And I do not have any answers of course. Perhaps I just like to challenge myself? Perhaps I just like to walk and behave differently from what others expect me to do? It had been like this in e past . Always. Always talking about doing something, agreed by everyone else then changing my mind last min to do something else. In sec, I've wanting to join like uniform groups like st John, then in e end I joined a Chinese music group. After sec, I told everyone I will study mass comm, not jc despite almost my whole class gg to jc, but in e end I went to nursing. Wonder what i am thinking sometimes too?? Now, with 3 years experience in nursing, I still want to change. Lol. Maybe I just like to lead a forever different life? Or I just want to do something out if the ordinary only? I really dunno.
Now I am always talking about dreams goals etc. But maybe, I am just an individual with no known dream or goal afterall. That's why I am forever changing what I am doing, because I dun know what I want at all. I think I will really travel out of here one day, and live somewhere for a year or two. Maybe I need to lead a totally different life in order to know what I exactly want. But this plan will need I wait until I complete my uni studies. With no clear goal in mind, what I am clear of now is only to complete a degree, non nursing related as I know that is not what I want anymore, and then others can wait.
Haix, it is a torture to type this entry with a phone, tired eyes, and sleepy mind. So maybe I may sound incoherent. Lol. So much thinking after reading 3/4 of that book. Maybe more to come after I've finished it.
12:23
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