Tuesday, April 12, 2011
indecisive as usual
Well, maybe a bit late, but yup, I am back from korea, already. Real fast right? Haha. But still ok after 2days of working. Enjoyable still, my days are still filled with laughter despite the major diarrhoea and gastric pain I am having. I am starting to think that I am blending into my current work environment. When you start to know the people there, when you start to talk more, or just a simple thing when you are no longer having meals on your own, you know you are already part of them already. All these processes take time, and unfortunately for me, it will take a long time. After 8months of working here, I am finally feeling more at ease. I guess for introverts like me, 8months is better than never. But sadly, whenever things are getting better, it means that the end is approaching as well. Ok, for my case not too bad, I can still work until end of july, meaning about 4more months to go before I bid goodbye here. I guess I would be sad as last time before. However, I know all these will pass, since now I no longer miss the ward anymore as well. Or should I say, I never regretted leaving the ward??? Lol. It is indeed a relief and excellent decision of mine to decide to step out of that dark place. Although I do grumble about my new work place as well, but things are just different. At least you will not have nightmares when you sleep, or afraid to on your phone in case of any callbacks or weird queries in the middle of the night.
Anyway, I should stop grumbling about the above, everytime I hit this topic it will be an endless story telling session. I will post more about my korea trip anyway, during this weekend or the long weekend next week ba. I cannot promise photos upload here, since this photo uploader does not work on me nowadays, but I will finish uploading photos to facebook. Here, will be an all words entries. Woah, sounds boring lehx, nvr mind la, for myself to see anyway. In short, the korea trip is quite an enjoyable one. Sadly I still prefer my japan trip as I really love the culture there. But tour group wise, I prefer this korea one as I think people here are really more helpful and approachable. Tour guides and tour leaders are all fantastic. Hehe. Korea weather is definitely more tempting for me, I am really liking the cold cold feel on my skin. And not to mention that my allergic rhinitis or sinusitis does not act up there at all. A little setback maybe the mild food poisoning symptoms on the last day of our tour. Maybe should not diagnose it as a food poisoning since less than 10 got it?? But I saw my mum suffer from vomiting and diarrhoea, a bit worrying but ok recovered within a day. And I am having diarrhoea for 2days le not recovering, plus gastric plus indigestion. Haha. Ok, I admit this is my own prob and nothing to do with the food there! Love korean food there, missing the food there. I am finding every possible chance to go eat a korean meal in singapore again. It was nice for our tour leader Isaac to call up on monday after we came back to check on my mum and me. Told a little lie that I was perfectly fine when I am not. LOL. Was desparately wanting to hang up because I am out in the clinical area, totally not right to use my HP then. But still appreciate the thoughts, or oh well, he is just doing his job anyway.
Ok, more about the trip in future posts. 2nd week of april already. I am getting a little sad for not receiving NUS letter yet. Well, I know I am asking for the impossible by expecting to see an offer in life science since I am not meeting the basic requirement for this course. But still, I want to see an offer in at least FASS which I've gotten in last year. Well, I may sound sick, but it serves as a confidence booster for me. Sometimes I hate myself for being so indecisive. I think I've mentioned this before already. When I already gotten the best offer I would ever have, I will still think of other choices and possibilities. When everything is too smooth sailing, I will want to jump to another rocky road and fall and injure badly again. Sickening me. And this explains why I've not indicated my acceptance in the offer yet. I am just playing with time again.
Haix, I am not trying to show off. But I really still cannot accept the fact to get into this course without any interviews. Ok, sound sick more I know. But everything really seems so unreal suddenly. Things are really going on too smoothly. Work is great, colleagues are nice, my life is filled with laughter, even the long yearned course of mine got accepted. Are things too good to be true really? Or maybe I have already 'suffered' long enough in my prev job that I cannot accept the fact not to face difficulties.
Suddenly remembered what a taxi driver said to me, he said I looked more mature than my age. Not my looks la, but in terms of the way I talked. I dunno about that because I thought usually people will think I am childish. But he is right in a sense. Childish is what I wish I am, but in actual fact, I am not as naive as I seemed to be. I've seen a lot, as per him. That's true. Not many people of my age have seen many deaths and departures. Not many people have seen the ugly facts of life and work, or even the ugly nature of humans. U may have seen it in TV of how dramas show people react when their relatives die, but you may not have seen it in real life. How sudden a person can die, how attached and faithful a maid can be to her owner, or how cruel a child can be to throw their parents about. When I handled a first death, I was sad and almost cried together with the relatives. The 2nd and 3rd, you may still feel tears in your eyes. But subsequently, it will become a norm. A norm that all these are so natural that you feel nothing. Yes, the worst feeling in the world is not feeling sad angry or depressed, is the feeling of nothing or emptiness.
Well, my main point is, it is just my own problem that I cannot accept a success easily. Actually, things in life maybe just as simple as that. I really should not think so much after all. Simplify your thoughts, and lead a more simple and cheerful life. This should be the way?? Since I am going to step in a school life again. But don't get me wrong, I am still very happy and excited to get into communication studies. It is my first choice after all. I am just annoyed by the fact that I still wish to get more offers and choices when I am already given the best. Greedy me. I acknowledged that. Anyway, I will definitely accept this course. No matter what NUS will offer me. Or maybe they will not. Mass communication has always been what I wanted since secondary school days. Just that I have no confidence to step into it due to the unknown future with it. But it seems so foolish thinking as even I've stepped into nursing which is really a great future since u will be assured of a stable and prospectful job, it is of no use if this is not what you are looking for in life. Nursing is a great job. I love having the medical knowledge and nursing skills that normal people lack of, but practising nursing in singapore is not feasible for me. It is a job with great satisfaction and return if you put your heart into it, but it is also a job which kills if you are not working with your whole heart, which is my case sadly. I do not hate the job, but it is not the ultimate thing that I am looking for. My main interest from beginning till now still lies in media. I know even gaining admission to the course or graduating from the course does not mean anything until you start working in reality, it still beats not trying to do what you like totally.
I guess future will be a big challenge to me since I am really not outspoken as required in mass communication. Communication, my weakest point. But never mind, I am deciding to focus on publishing or journalism anyway. Oh ya, ex NUH colleague emily also got offered in her first choice economics. I hope she will accept it as well ultimately (although she says she will now, it is hard to predict as she is more indecisive than me). Then we will become school mates. And then I will not be the rare overage student in NTU. LOL.
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