Saturday, February 11, 2012
Piled up with work
Sometimes, I do think that my life is so screwed. More screwed than ever, even if I am at work be it at NUH or LillyNUS, I had never felt so screwed and lonely before. But yet, there are times when I felt that I had not make a wrong decision to study especially when in touch with my fave modules. Still sadly, I am a lonely person in school. Ya, life sort of sucks, especially when u are always alone in school, sitting alone in benches or at LWN library, with no one to talk to. Eating alone, studying alone, walking alone. Although I comfort myself by telling myself that it is ok to be alone, after all it may be even worse to talk to someone whom u have no common topics at all, I am still quite bothered and upset that I am just someone with no friends in school (perhaps only 1-2?) Or to think more deeply, I am not upset by the fact that I spend most of my time alone, I am bothered by the image I portrayed to others as a lonely gal with no friends, and no one will ever bother to talk to me.
I guess life can always be quite depressing at times. Being an overage student, I can only blame it on myself that I am really unable to blend in with the younger generation. No common topics, even no common language. And I am refusing to change my own attitude because I do not want to become someone who is fake to the extent of pretending to be in line with everyone just to make more friends. Maybe it is just me with my noble thinking that friendship should come along naturally. Of course, effort must be put in to maintain a friendship, but my belief is, we should not pretend to by anybody just to make more friends. I am not saying that others are doing it, I am just saying about myself. Since most of them are from the same generation, I assume that they certainly have no problem of blending in and mixing around. But for me, there is a great difficulty. People born in the 90s and 20th century really have a great difference. As I mentioned above, language is one big difference and concern. And sadly to say, everything actually revolve around language, and hence, once there is this language 'barrier', everything seems to have a barrier. Of course, I am bilingual as well, and too can speak english well. It is just that I do not like to speak english that often, and I am comfortable only if I speak my own native language, which is chinese. As such, everything that I like or enjoy, tend to be of chinese medium. And others, will be discussing things about the english medium.
It is true that we must adapt to different situations encountered, in order to live on and prove our capability. But if I force myself to accept something that I do not like, eg any english songs or books or movies, just to have a common topic with others, I will definitely not be happy as it is just a cheapening act. Well, that applies to me only I supposed. And to pretend to like something while u do not, and hence make a lot of friends, I do not personally think that these types of relationship will be true and lasting. Being yourself and being accepted by who u are is definitely more important. And this is often what makes friendship last longer.
But of course, my sort of naive thinking won't enable me to survive well in this cruel society. After all, being alone most of the time can really be saddening and scary. Imagine roaming in the school by yourself most of the time. Maybe this is the main reason why I find it hard to smile or laugh often in school. Because I am really not happy there. Studying my fave stuff is enlightening for me, and I enjoyed doing that. But human are social creatures, hence living a life without socializing is really a torture. But yet, I am unable and unwilling to make any changes. I still cannot get over my own barrier of "pretending" to be in the same level as everyone else. And I am quite sure I will remain the same way throughout my 4years in school.
Work had been piling up as well. Courses this sem are kinda tough. I am still stuck in writing literature review for my research proposal. I have yet to take more photos for my photo assignment. Not to mention the editing on photoshop later on plus the write up for it. I have yet to purchase my chinese grammar book to brush up my chinese language skills. And sadly, I cannot find this book in popular at JP or my school's bookshop. Guess I would need to head over to kinokuniya next week to get it, when I am done with my 2 homework due next week.
Next sunday will be performance at SCH already. A bit excited and nervous. Hopefully I won't make any mistakes during the performance. I still think I need more practice. My 10 tix finally found ownership, thanks to Siying for buying 5. The other 5 will be absorbed by my family ba. Kind of sad when I was trying to sell the tix, as no one seems to be interested seriously. Haix, just a bit upset when people ignore the message, I am ok if u reply that u dun want to go, because I am just asking no forcing but to ignore the message totally?? I am doubtful of our friendship that am I someone that you can just ignore like this? Kinda rude in my opinion, but nvr mind forget about it.
Next week gonna be a busy week. Hopefully I can finish up my literature review tonight, finish my photo shoot tmr, and then spend next week free time editing all these stuffs. Ok, enough of ranting, back to serious work.
21:06
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