Thursday, July 12, 2012
Negativity
Last month of work, meaning one more month to school reopen. I really dunno what I've been doing recently. Things happened making me a little upset, negative thoughts that popped up out of nowhere. Doing things that I am uncomfortable with, being in places where I shouldn't be in. Well, I just dunno what am I doing. This sort of sucks I know, I am just doing in things that what people think I should be doing, or what I feel I should do, not what I like or want to do. But if u ask me what I really want to do then, I dunno.
Confusing, I felt that also. People around me are moving on well, everyone is doing so well. Except me, and even without me. So, what is the purpose of my existence? I thought I've moved on already, but actually not. I think I just turned to another direction, but yet I'm still on the same spot. To make things worse, school is reopening next month, and I really dunno if I can cope with that. I will probably be hanging out in the school alone most of the time, with my only good friend away for exchange. The thought of this makes me scared. But, no matter how hard I try to tell others about this fear, people just brushed me off. Ya, literally. I think I am really born a listener, made a listener. Everyone just likes to tell me all their problems, and when I thought it is my turn to talk about mine, I will always have this "so what? whatever" feeling. Nobody ever feels that my problem is a big deal, everyone's problems are a big deal, except mine. So ya, I will just need to face everything myself, not complain to others about it, and that I am just making a fuss out of tiny things. I am just not important. While relationships are supposed to be reciprocal, I dun think that applies to me. Maybe I am just a garbage bin or what for everyone to throw their waste in. And when I try to go near someone to speak out a bit, everyone just shun away.
I may not be a very street smart or wise person, my reaction may be slower than others, but it does not mean I am retarded or what. People do have feelings and for me, I always feel that because I don't speak up much, I am much more sensitive towards peoples' reactions. How should I put it? It is just a feeling that you will experience, like when people try to brush u off with stupid answers or what, or when people don't speak with sincerity, I will just know or feel it. Most people do maybe, but I feel it more often. It is just a matter of sincerity, and whether you mean what you say or ask. Talk for the sake of talking, then forget it, I can't be bothered to speak also.
How sad is it for me? Haha. I think the only place and only time that I can truly say out what and how I feel is to a laptop, the internet, the server, the blog or whatever. I know I will never be able to say all this out to a person. It is like u tried to open your heart or thoughts out to someone, but it failed, and you know this lock will be up forever and you will never be so stupid to do the same thing ever again. I've long forgotten since when I became so introvert and anti-social, maybe I just don't want to remember it again. Well, life is not too bad this way also. A little lonely, a little depressing sometimes. But not bad to the extent that you cannot live on, there are worse cases out there I know. I am not blaming anyone else actually. Ya, I was 'made' to think this way that all these are just my own problems, no one else to blame. Well, my problems are just my problems, no big deal, heck care, there are just more important things/animals/people out there.
Who are you by the way?
Who cares anyway?
01:29
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