Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Defining Friends
Can't believe this is only my 4th post of year 2013, and it is soon coming to an end. Well, I am glad that the 3/4 of my 2013 are spent in happiness, doing things I like, being with friends I loved. And yup, here comes the emo time of the year again. I don't want to feel this way but I can't help to feel this way.
I always thought I have made quite a few good friends after I entered university, and this feeling got stronger after coming back from the exchange. But now, I think I may need to rethink my definition of friends in my personal dictionary. Perhaps it is just my problem once again, that I am someone who is hard to get along with and thus such things keep happening again and again. Or is it the way that I think about friends is far too optimistic, and that I really overestimate our relationships at times? I am not too sure, how would you define someone as your good friend? Aren't good friends supposed to share and talk about more things, be it good or bad? I think the statement that says true friends are those who tell you the ugly truth is definitely invalid. Honestly, who can stand someone who keeps putting you down, your ideas down and not want to listen to you, or simply just give you the feeling that you must shut up even when you have not even talked yet?
I supposed this is not an exaggeration of my problems. I like to listen to all my friends talk, I respect their feelings, and I listen always. But, there is seriously no freaking one person who is very willing to listen to me at all, I thought I had, but actually no sadly. Not that I always have a lot to say, not that I always have significant life events to say, but not that all my friends have anyway, but I still listen. Yet, when I try to talk about random mundane stuff, I get no answer no response, or worst, answers like "what has it got to do with me", "you say already like never say". I don't think that's the correct attitude to treat someone whom you regard as good friends, or to be honest, I don't think you should even treat any of your friends in this manner.
I understand that sometimes it may be because that person is in bad mood or what, but so? It does not mean that I need to take all the crap or nonsense from you just because you are not happy and thus don't want to hear me talk. Honestly, do you really think that everytime I listen to you talking talking about random stuff I am in the best of mood? I do reply and entertain all sorts of random stuff that you tell me, even if I am not feeling good, because that's the way I feel that relationships should work. I don't think that I should ignore, or hurt anyone by giving such remarks just because I am in a bad mood.
It makes me depressed when such things happen. Despite not wanting to think more about it, the hurt feeling just remains. Now, I don't know what kind of feelings should I engage when I face such people again? I don't think I can talk in the way I used to with them anymore, and I don't think I can truly treat them with an open heart anymore. Perhaps once their bad mood go away, they will be talking randomly to me again, and maybe they will listen to me again, but not for me. I don't think I will ever treat them in the same way I did before again. Well, my heart opens to every friends that I made, and I treat every single relationship as important and dearly. But, people rarely do the same thing to me. It goes back to the same question again that perhaps I do not deserve any love and respect from anyone. I am simply just annoying and problematic?
SO what defines a good friend? What defines a friend? I think I need to redefine everything in my heart again. I think that I should not take the world too optimistically anymore. I think I need to rethink my position and status in others' life, that I am not as important or as a "good friend" I thought I am. Yeah, perhaps if I don't invest feelings, I will not be feeling so troubled anymore.
18:59
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